Looking in the mirror

 Looking at myself in the mirror,  I’m not sure how I feel yet.  I see my face but I don’t see me.  I look at what’s left of my hair and it doesn’t seem real.  Am I in denial?  Or don’t I care anymore?  I mentioned in an update that I had a receding hairline.  Well, it’s truly receding and I keep thinking, I’ve got to take a picture of this to document it.  My forehead is gigantic and the sides of my head where my ears are is pretty much gone.  I figured that would go since that’s where my wig rubs.  I’ve heard I have a bald spot in the back of my head too but I have yet to look.  I think I’m handing the loss well.  Like I mentioned above, not sure if it’s denial or just don’t care.  I mean what can I do?  The chemo is killing both good and bad cells so I should appreciate it but yet can’t help to hate it.  I hope this really does cure me.  I’d rather have my life than my hair anyday.  Cody loves me anyway I am and if I had to never get my hair back in order to live to watch him grow up I would.  But it’s funny how I look at people now differently.  I think how lucky they are to have hair.  Now that the weather has gotten cooler, I’m surprised at how cold my head gets.  It’s just like a newborn.  Soon, I’m sure I’ll be going to bed with hats on just to stay warm at night.    Oh, and my scalp is so itchy.  I’m amazed at how dry my skin and scalp is.   The doctor told me it would be that way.  Only problem is when I put a little lotion on my dry area I always pull a hair out so I’m hesitant to apply the lotion.  Maybe I’ll do a search on the internet to see what’s more important.  Pulling out a stray hair or two or moisturizing.  I’m sure it will say moisturizing is more important