Ringing in the Hope

This morning Cody and I walked a 1K walk in the Ringing in the Hope 5K/10K/1K fun walk.  I'm so proud of myself.  I know 1K is not a big deal but for someone who just a few months ago was lying on the couch all day,  it felt great.  To me, it's a start.  A start of something big.  I feel like I'm gaining control of my life again and it feels good.  Seeing all those people line up at the starting line made me think of the days I use to run races in Phoenix.  It motivated me.  Although I didn't run (so not ready for that with my wounds) I walked the 1K and it felt good.  In fact, Cody and I walked from our house to the race, and walked home.  I took a few photos that I will post later when I download them off my camera.  
The entire day was nice.  Not only was the weather awesome, after the race, Cody played on the neighbors jungle gym.  He loves swinging on the swings.  Then the neighbors came out.  We chatted for a bit.  It was so nice.  

A few hours later, my friend Jenny and her family John, Alyssa, and Delaney came to visit us all the way from Richmond.  They were in town visiting in Arlington and decided to swing by our house.  It was the best visit and it's been a long time since I've seen them.  We had a nice time talking while Cody, Alyssa and Delaney played.  Cody enjoyed showing the girls his playroom and toys.  I hated to see them go but with a 2 hour drive, they had to hit the road.  I told Jenny when I get past my radiation I'd like to plan a trip to Richmond to spend time with them.  

Cody gave little Delaney a kiss on the cheek goodbye.  It was so cute.  But of course I talked him into giving her one.  He was shy at first but when no one was looking that's when he made his move.    Totally cute. 

 Ready for the walk

Walking ahead of mom

Random people

Me and Cody

Why is this happening?

I'm devistated.  So not prepared for the loss of my eyebrows.  5 weeks after chemo is over and my brows are falling out like my hair did 5 months ago.  It's just the weirdest thing.  On Dec 12th I went to a class called Look good, feel better.  The lady specifically talked about penciling in eyebrows.  She told us to take a photo of what our brows looked like so when they fall out, we'll know the shape of them and how to pencil them in.  I thought to myself, no need to worry.  Mine are still with me.  I figured if I'd loose them it would certainly be while I was on Taxol.  But they're still here so no worries.  You'd think I would have gotten the clue when my eyelashes started to thin out.  I don't know why I didn't think my brows would go next.  I guess I didn't do enough research cause before you know it, one day I had my eyebrows the next they were majorly thinning out.  Now I just have a few strands left.  I thought it was hard to loose the hair on my head but let me tell you, wigs can hide a bald head.  Nothing can hide no eyebrows and I'm really having a tough time accepting that they are almost gone.  So, not only did I gain 15 pounds.  My face is fat, my stomach is big, I have barely any eyelashes and eysbrows and I'm super pale.  I seriously look sick.  What happened to me?  Oh, that's right, I had cancer.  The docs said it's gone so why do I look like crap?  And I have 6 weeks of radiation coming up.  Ok, I'm happy to be alive but it's so difficult to watch myself go through this transformation.  I've decided that it might be time to finally join a cancer support group.  I have the best support group a girl could ask for but I need one where women understand what I'm going through or who have been there and done that.  Cause right now, I think I need someone to tell me everything is going to be ok. 

Tough day

Today I had an appointment with the Dr. Purkert.  I drove to Rt 50 in Fairfax.  It was raining and dreary out.  My appointment was quick but good news.  My pathology report showed no signs of cancer in any of the samples the doctor took from me.  He also ended up taking out 5 lymph nodes so that makes sense why my underarm hurts so much.  I just can't believe how tender my entire arm is.  The outer, under and around my chest is completely numb.  But at least all my wounds are healing nicely and my recovery was much quicker than I expected.

After my appointment I decided to drive over to my sister's house.  Mom was at her house and I thought it would be nice for the 3 of us to meet up and have lunch.  Before I went over, I stopped at Bella Donna Salon.  Ken bought me a gift card for spa services earlier this year for my 40th Birthday.  I love going to the spa and getting pampered but I never got to use it because right after I got it in February, we bought the house so I spent all my time and energy in moving.  Then as you know I found my cancer 2 weeks after moving into our new house.  So once I started Chemo I wasn't allowed to get massages or mani's and pedi's.  I thought since I can't go during radiation I might as well ask the salon if I can get a refund.  If not, the gift card expires in Feb and I'll loose the entire spa experience.
So I stopped by.  I didn't think it would be a big deal but unfortunately it was.  They were jammed packed.  Women were all over getting mani's and pedi's.  I walked up and asked them if I could get a refund because I have cancer and the doctor said I can't have any of the services done right now.  The manager agreed and said that was absolutely no problem.  Normally salons don't give refunds but I was looking really harsh today and I think she could see it by my appearance.  Unfortunately, I've been upset about my apprearance lately and I started crying in the salon.  I'm looking around at all these women all dolled up with their hair done so nice and getting pampered.  I just couldn't help feeling ugly and somewhat feeling sorry for myself.  After visiting with Dr. Purkert, you'd think I would be happy about what he said and how good I did at surgery and how pleased they are with my progress but I guess being a female, how can you not think about your appearance?  Anyway, I was a crying mess when I got over to my sisters house. 

Eventually I got over it and we went to lunch.  I enjoy hanging out with mom and Wendy and it was good therapy to see them. 

Since it was still raining, I figured I better get on the road.  Even though the holidays are still here and traffic is good, you just never know in this town when you'll get stuck in traffic because most of the time it's always. 

Frustrated

I know it's only 2 days before Christmas but I can't help to be slightly frustrated today.  My arm is killing me from the surgery.  It's swollen, bruised and stings a bit.  I just realized last night when I was putting lotion on my feet that my left big toenail is dying.  This is really stressing me out because that is the same toe I had an ingrown nail a few years back.  It seems like last year I finally recovered from it and was able to actually paint it but now I'm concerned that if the nail falls out am I'm going to get another ingrown?  Well,  I guess my dying toenail matches my dying left thumbnail.  And of course last but not least, not only do I barely have any eyelashes, I now just noticed that my left eyebrow is missing a whole lot of brow.  Why is the entire left side of my body going wacky?  I've been off chemo for 1 full month now.  The hair on my head has been growing in but I wonder if this is just a joke and it will all fall out or maybe the left side of my hair will fall out and the right side will stay.  I know, sounds stupid but what can I say, I'm a bit frustrated. 

Another one lost the battle

I always thought that cancer was evil.  It didn't matter who you were or how old you were it could strike at any moment.  A good friend of mine  lost his wife just 2 months ago to cancer.  She was only in her mid 40's.  Just too young.  I always supported the Susan G. Komen foundation and this year, just  a few months ago, I was diagnosed with cancer.  Where does this disease come from?  How did I get it?  Why did I find my lump and others didn't find theirs?  It's all a big unknown.

Now, I'm more aware when people pass from cancer.  Today I just happened to see an article on Yahoo about a Venezuelan model that lost her battle to breast cancer.   She was only 27 years old.  The article just slapped me in the face and saddened my heart.   Last month I was told that I was in remission.  This month I had surgery and was told that it was a success but hearing this story about this young woman just makes me realize that life is so precious and that I'm so lucky that I found my cancer when I did and that it wasn't too late.   

Update # 17, Surgery

December 14th
The day has finally come.  I had mixed feelings about it.  Part of me was afraid and the other part just wanted this over with.  I kept trying to tell myself that surgery has to be easier than chemo.  It's only one day and if all goes well, you should recover quickly.  Chemo was 16 weeks of torture.  Not only were you sick but you watched yourself physically transform.  Surgery is one step closer to beating cancer.  So I was as ready as I could be.  We had to be at the hospital at 6:30am.   So here we go.

My 1st appointment was at 8:00am.  I had to get a nuclear dye injection.  The dye would gravitate to the lymph nodes leading the surgeon to the ones he wanted to take a sample of.    I signed in and the female behind the desk made a comment about the injection hurting.  What?  Of course, being as stressed as I was,  I have no idea what conversations took place between me and any staff at the hospital.  But in this particular situation, I must have asked her if the procedure hurt and I can't believe that she actually said yes so of course I was slightly freaking out.  When they took me back the doctor explained to me that I would get 4 needles in my left breast each depositing a small amount of nuclear dye.  This will be done without any numbing meds.  Can I tell you getting pricked 4 times in your breast really hurts.  And the dye hurt too.  I was yelping and whimpering.  Ken was holding my hand but he just couldn't take the pain away.  Luckily it was rather quick. 

My next appointment was at 9:00am.  This was a needle placement.  It sounds horrible and it was but at least they numbed my breast this time.  The nurse placed my breast in a mammogram machine.  (OUCH!) While there, she took several photos to document the micro chip that was placed there when Dr. Simm did a biopsy a few months back.  (Starting to cry)  She then numbed my breast, took a needle and ran a wire through the needle all the way to the micro chip.  The doc said this is like a map to the lump which will guide the surgeon during surgery.  Not only is the surgeon going to take a sample of where the cancer was, he's going to remove the micro chip.  They took a few more photos and then taped the wire to my chest so my hospital gown didn't rub it.  Ken was not in the room for this procedure which we thought was odd. 

Finally I was sent to the pre-op room.   The nurses gave me liquids through an IV.  Yup, gotta love the IV.   They went over my medical records asking me if I was allergic to anything, what procedure I was getting, my name, birth date, etc.  I answered all questions.   Seemed like I laid there forever.  I even dozed off a few times.  My stomach was growling.  I hadn't eaten anything since last night.   On our way to the hospital we must of past 50 restaurants all filled with people eating breakfast.
All I could think about was food.   My surgery was suppose to be at 11:00am but no one came to get me.  Ken and I assumed that the surgeon was running behind schedule since we did hear he was already in surgery this morning.  Finally around noon tons of people showed up.  They all introduced themselves to me.  It was all so fast and the next thing I know the surgeon came in to check on me.  It was just about that time.  Nerves kicked in again and the tears were rolling out of my eyes.  They gave me some tissues and told me to say goodbye to Ken.  Off they took me down the hallway as I watched the lights in the ceiling go by.  They wheeled me in to the surgery room and  had me get off the gurney to lie on the operating table. A nurse waved to me and the next thing I know, I'm in the recovery room. 

I'm so groggy.  My eyes opened slightly and I could see a lady across from me and a lady next to me.  These are tiny little rooms with curtains that separate us but for some reason all our curtains were open.  I have no idea what time it was.  I heard the nurse talk to me.  I told her I didn't feel good.  All of the sudden I started to throw up.  But nothing came out.  She gave me ice chips and called for someone to bring me nausea medicine.  I tried to mumble that I was hungry, that's why I was sick but I was so out of it.  So with the nausea meds, back to sleep I went. 

I heard them call Ken in to be with me but I just couldn't snap out of it.  I heard Ken talking to the doctor but I just couldn't understand a word they were saying.  Eventually, whoever was tending to me gave me crackers and some ginger ale since I was starving.  I started coming out of my daze and they finally released me at 5pm.  I was ready to leave.  They told Ken to bring the car around to the front of the building but the volunteers who were wheeling me out took me to a different area so it took us a while to find Ken.   If I had the energy and strength I would have gotten up and found him myself.  Finally we got on the road at 5:30pm right during rush hour so it took us about a hour to get home. 

This was a long day.  From what Ken told me, Dr. Purkert said from the samples he took, they were all cancer free.  He did take 2 entire lymph nodes and even though those lymph nodes showed no cancer present, the doctor felt they were just to suspicious to leave them in.  The entire surgery lasted about 2 hours and because it was minor surgery, I got stitches and glue.  Thank goodness!!!

So now, 6 days later, I'm recovering nicely.  Out of the 3 wounds, most of my pain is under my arm where the lymph nodes were removed.   I meet with Dr. Purkert next Tuesday for a look over and to discuss the pathology report.  But as of now, my surgery was a SUCCESS!!!!

Thanks you for your encouraging e-mails.
XOXO Jen

Today is the day

On my way to surgery.

Thanks to everyone who called, e-mailed and texted me well wishes.  It really meant a lot.

Update # 16, Chemo # 12

Hello everyone,
It's been a while since I've sent out an update e-mail and what's crazy is you'd think I'd send this one out immediately because I'm just so darn HAPPY!!!   But with Thanksgiving just 2 days after my chemo appointment, I kind of lost track of time and now 3 weeks later, I'm finally getting around to sending it.   So this is my update.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011
What time is it????  It's chemo time and the best news of all.  It's my LAST ONE!!!!  You don't know how happy I am.  Well let me tell you.  EXTREMELY HAPPY!!!  I was so worried at first.  I was sick over the weekend and when I finally called the nurse for the "chemo approved" meds yesterday I thought gosh, I hope I didn't wait to long.  I really thought this cold was going to weaken my immune system that I wouldn't be able to get my last chemo treatment.  Without that treatment my surgery would have to be postponed.  And I certainly didn't want that to happen.  So I took the meds yesterday and man, they kicked that cold's butt.  I still have a cough but I felt so good today. 
Before my chemo, Ken and I met with Dr. Wilkinson.  I let her know that I had taken the Z-pack and she smiled and said good.  She listened to my heart and lungs and did a quick breast check.  She talked to us about what Dr. Moulds (radiation doc) had discussed with her.  They and the surgeon are all in agreement on my surgery procedure.  I'll just be so glad to get this all over with.  

So after my visit with the doctor it was time for chemo.  Nurse Tonya checked my white blood count and it was good enough to get my last round of Taxol.  2 hours later and all I can say is HAL* LE* LU* JAH!!!  I'm DONE!!!  Chemo is OVER!!!   I'll miss Nurse Tonya but I'm so glad that I won't have to see her again until I come back for routine checkups with Dr. Wilkinson.  I still have surgery and radiation but the hardest part is finally OVER!!

Speaking of surgery, it's tomorrow and I have to admit that I'm a little nervous but who wouldn't be, right?  Dr. Purkett told me what to expect but I can't help to worry just a little.  I have to be at the hospital at 6:30am which means leaving the house at 5:30am.  At 8am I get the needle placement.  Apparently this will guide the doctor to where the tumor was.  At 9am I get a nuclear dye injection which the dye should gravitate toward cancerous cells if any are present.   At 11am surgery begins.  Since I'm in remission, Dr. Purkett is only taking a small piece of where my tumor was and a small piece of my left lymph node.  The samples will be checked for cancer under a microscope while I'm still under.  Fingers crossed that I'm cancer free.  Lastly, my mediport will be removed which makes me very happy.  This thing, although good for me has definitely wore out it's welcome.   I'm hoping that all goes well and that I'll have a quick recovery. 
In the next few weeks, I plan to continue sending you all e-mail updates regarding my recovery from surgery and my radiation treatments.    If you're interested in checking out my blog (http://jenniferkile.blogspot.com) I have added new updates and I will be posting some additional photos.    I did post a short video message titled "A Big Thank You" to you all.   Ken took the video of me while I was getting my last chemo treatment.   Just keep in mind when you see the video that I was still a little sick so my voice was a little scratchy, I was tired and I look terrible. 

Lots of love to you all,
XOXO Jen

Look good, Feel better

Tonight I went to the Reston Hospital for a class called Look Good, Feel Better.  It's a free class that the American Cancer Society offers to help women learn about the physical changes that cancer does to them and how they can take their life back by feeling better about themselves.  I've tried to get in  this class for several months now with no luck.  Most of the time, I was focusing on the Fairfax location, not knowing that Reston had a class too.  When I went to meet Dr. Moulds (radiation doc) I saw a flyer for this class and thought, I better call since I need major help.  I called and luckily they did have open spots so I signed up. 

I wanted to go to this class for 2 reasons.  One, this was a makeup class and I wanted to learn about different makeup that I could put on my face that would bring me somewhat back to the person I looked like before.  My eye lashes have fallen out, my brows have thinned, my face is pale and dry and of course I have no hair.  I want to find a face cream that doesn't burn my face, that hydrates my skin and take away the dryness.  I want to learn if I can wear fake eye lashes or will that hinder the growth of mine.  But my biggest reason for going is I want to see who else attends the class.  Will the women be old or young?  Will they all have breast cancer?  Will they look like me or are they just beginning their journey?  What would I learn from them that I don't already know? 

So I went.  I was the 1st one there.  Slowly, others showed up.  There were only 4 of us total.  We all introduced ourselves and started telling each other our story.   One lady was probably in her upper 50's to low 60's.  She was real nice and was just diagnosed with breast cancer so she had a ton of questions for us.  One lady looked young but had a 8 year old.  She was practicing to be a doctor and was interviewing currently at different hospitals for residency.  She has a family history of breast cancer in  and had just talked to her OBGYN about getting a double mastectomy before the cancer got her.  Unfortuntely when she went for her mammogram just a few months ago, the cancer was already there so she had her double mastectomy 6 weeks ago and was getting ready for chemo.  I couldn't tell how old the other lady was.  She was crying because everything was weighing on her.  She had a double mastectomy as well and had already undergone 2 chemo treatments.  She lost all her hair but 2 strands in the front of her hair that she styled so cute under her hat.  She was just beside herself and apologized for her crying.  I told her that there was no need to appologize.  So many of us have been in her position and I told her that I just cried the other day at work when they took a picture of me with my wig for a badge.  The photo was awful and now I have a constant reminder of the way I look everyday.   She smiled.  I told her, it will get better and you will get stronger.

I wasn't impressed with the cosmetician.  She just pretty much showed us the makeup and gave us a few tips on how to use it but in those 2 hours I feel like the four of us bonded.  I felt so different tonight.  Like I finally met others who were sharing the same thing I was going through.  And even though I knew I would never see them again, I was happy that I got to meet them and hear about them.  At the end, we all went our separate ways.   I did end up in the elevator with the older lady.  She said I was an inspiration to her.  She told me I was so positive and strong.  I told her I've had months to process this but also I wanted to live and when you want to live you become stronger than you could ever imagine.

Love my co-workers

I know this might sound silly but it wasn't silly to me. I had to go get my picture taken for an ID badge at work today.  It was totally unexpected and when my co-worker told me I panicked.  I don't want to take a photo.  I look so bad.   I know I've been taking photos of myself throughout my cancer stages but only I have seen the photos and only I have seen my transformation from cute Jen to old and worn out Jen.  It's sad to see how my eyes are so tired and my face is so pale.  But my co-workers don't see it.  They see Jen.  They can't see the changes I see.  But now it's being captured on a badge for work.  A constant reminder every time I look at it.  I just wasn't prepared for this today.

So I took the photo and the man said take a look, do you like it or would you like another.  It was absolutely horrible.  I told him it's fine and it didn't matter.  In fact, It wasn't fine and neither was I.  I walked out of the room with tears rolling down my cheeks and that's when my co-workers Jen and Barb comforted me.  They reassured me that the photo was fine and that in a few months I can get it re-taken.  I appreciated their support but my feelings were already hurt.  It's just a reality I wasn't ready to face.

When we finally got back to the office I asked my other co-worker Stephanie if she wanted to join me for lunch. I was going to eat alone but I thought, no, I want company.    We ended up going to the mall.  Her good company and being at the mall helped me escape my earlier drama.  And of course buying a few items at the store for myself made me feel so much better.

Like I said, maybe this sounds silly to you but it's not to me.   I don't look like myself and I don't feel like myself and today was the 1st day in a while that I actually got upset about the situation.  Besides, a girl's allowed to have a down day once in a while.

Thanks to my wonderful co-workers: Jen, Barb and Stephanie for perking me back up. XOXO

Hot flashes vs. numb toes

I don't know what's worse HOT FLASHES or NUMB TOES.  It's a toss up.  The hot flashes come and go at any time of the day or night.  One minute I'm freezing and the next I'm stripping and fanning myself.  It's a vicious cycle.  But the numb toes are numb all the time.  Just tingly and now that the weather is colder out my toes are like in a frozen state.  It's so hard to explain but if my toes feel cold then my entire body is cold and I just can't seem to get warm unless I have a HOT FLASH.    When I'm at work, I take my shoes off and wear slippers.  I know, sounds kind of gross but my numb toes can not handle any kind of dress shoe or boot.  So imagine how sexy I look at work in business clothes and bedroom slippers.  Luckily I sit at my desk most of the day and if I have to run to the restroom outside my office, I put my work shoes back on. 

So I'm thinking the numb toes get the vote on what's worse because this symptom never goes away.

Another compliment

So I went to Starbucks today and I was feeling rather frumpy.  Katie was working.  She's such a nice girl and she loves it when we bring Cody in.  So while she was making my hot chocolate she said to me, you're hair looks so cute today.  I love it.  Thanks I said back with a smile.  :)

I was wearing my blonde short wig with a hat and her compliment made my day.

Numb toes, fingernails and now my legs?

One of the side effects of Taxol that I experienced is numb finger nails and toes.  At first the finger nails bothered me.  But it's actually the toes that bother me more now.  It's like they are in a constant state of being asleep.  It's so weird.  But today I've noticed that my legs are getting stiff too.   It's like my joints are getting tougher and tougher to move and bend.    I know that Dr. Wilkinson said that some symptoms would stay with me for awhile but I didn't expect to gain a symptom.  I was hoping to get rid of them.

Side effects

The joys of side effects. I was hoping they'd start to go away but I guess not.  Today my toes are so numb. Well there is a tingly sensation where they almost feel like they are asleep but their not. 

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks and I'm so thankful for all my friends and family and most of all, I'm so Thankful to be ALIVE!!!

Ken and I spent Thanksgiving with Ken's family.  It was also nice seeing and spending time with Ken's brother Rick and his family, Christine, Tracy and Ethan.   Since having my last chemo treatment on Tuesday I was a little tired today.  So I don't recall if I actually thanked Eleanor for her wonderful meal and for all her help. 

I'm thankful for Eleanor and Ron for all your help during the last few months taking me to chemo, watching Cody so I could rest, cooking meals for us, and helping me with chores around the house. It really meant a lot to me and I really appreciate you both.

I'm thankful for my mom Norma and sister Wendy who also took me to my chemo treatments.  Even if I was sleeping during treatment, it was so nice to know that you both were there.  Thanks to mom for also helping around the house when you came to visit.

I'm thankful for my husband Ken who has also taken me to a few chemo treatments.  Having you there with me made me feel safe and I'm so glad that you are the one to share this journey with me.

I'm thankful for my friends and extended family who have supported me through e-mails, letters, phone calls, and cards.  I'm so lucky to have each and every one of you who has touched my life.  I know I've said this over and over but the support you guys gave me really DID get me through all my chemo treatments.  Cancer in general is such shocking news and the way you all rallied around me meant more than you can ever believe.

I'm thankful for my wonderful little boy Cody.  He is my ROCK.  My biggest supporter.  He is so young and witnessed his mom transform from a vibrant young woman to an old looking bald woman.  He has never once called me ugly or ran from me.  He hugs me, kisses me, and constantly compliments me on a daily basis.  I'm amazed and often wonder why.  Wonder what does he see when he looks at me because when I look in the mirror I don't see myself.  I see ugliness.  But his compliments keep me going and his support for me is overwhelming and I love him so much for that.
He truly is the best little boy a mom could ever ask for.
 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE !!!

Last Chemo treatment

You have no idea how thrilled and excited I am right now.  16  L O N G  weeks and it's finally over !!! 

 LAST ONE !!!!

A BIG THANK YOU!!!

Update # 15, Chemo # 11

It's that time again...chemo time.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Ken and I had an appointment with my Radiologist, Dr. Moulds.  Our appointment was at 8:45am and by the time we actually saw the doctor it was around 10:30am.  I must admit, I was getting a little annoyed waiting that long but I didn't realize that he was spending all that time reviewing my medical records.    He proceeded to tell me my entire history of the last 4 months which he all had correct. He discussed his concerns for my lymph nodes and said he was going to recommend that the surgeon take part of one lymph node out to examine it for cancer cells.  He said even though they were negative in the biopsy a few months back, one lymph node was just to suspicious to let it go.  He also said, if all is negative for cancer,     2 - 3 weeks after I recover from surgery ( I have to be able to hold my arm above my head) I will be scheduled for 6 weeks of radiation treatments, 5 days a week.  Everyday?  Wow, that really shocked me.  He also went over how they were going to radiate me and the side effects.  Luckily it won't be anything like chemo.   He did say I should get a little sunburned and since the lump was on my left breast they have to radiate a part of the heart and lung.  So I could have side effects down, down, down the road but no one really knows because everybody reacts to treatment differently.   So time will only tell but for now, I'm just happy to be alive.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Chemo day - I can't believe it's almost over.  After all these months of going to chemo, today was the 1st day I actully talked to a fellow woman who was in the lobby waiting with me.  I don't know what I said but I said something to Eleanor and the woman giggled.  I thought to myself, oh I've got a live one here so I decided to chat and ask her a few questions.  It was so nice to talk to someone like me.  She said she started her chemo in August (like me) and also said it was really tough to loose her hair.  She said she was a school teacher on a leave of absence because she's not suppose to be around her students (to many germs).  I really enjoyed talking to her and I was wanting to learn more.  But nurse Tonya showed up to take me back to my room.  As I walked away I said, my last one is next week....YEA!!!  She said congrats, I have chemo till mid January.  Oh, my heart sunk for her.   I'd personally hate to have chemo till January but you do what you have to do to be healthy again.  So I consider myself lucky.  Not only is my chemo almost over but my lump is gone and I can't ask for more than that.

Blood counts were good so onward with chemo!

Wednesday - Sunday (November 16th - 20th)

A rough week.  For some reason I'm really tired and S...L...O...W....  Of course I have my theories.  I have 11 chemo treatments in my body and I'm just plain worn out or Cody has been sick and I think I might have caught a little something from him.  I called the nurse at my chemo office and told her my throat was scratchy and a little swollen so she prescribed me some chemo approved meds since I can't take anything over the counter.  The next day my throat felt better so I was afraid to take unnecessary meds so I called back and she said hold off on them.  So in the mean time I've been sleeping more than usual, trying to keep myself somewhat healthy because I need my white blood counts to stay up otherwise I might not be able to receive my last chemo meds and that worries me a bit.

Friday, November 18, 2011

On a side note:  Cody had his 4 year doctor appointment today.  It was a quick in and out visit but I just wanted to mention that he's 39.8 lbs and 41 1/2 inches tall.  I swore he weighed more since he feels like a ton of bricks when we lift him up.  He has to be 40 pounds to go from a car seat to a booster so even though he's close we're going to keep him in the car seat for a few more months.

Monday, November 21, 2011
Looks like I'm sick.  I guess I'll be calling the nurse today to see if I should start the chemo approved meds.  I'm completely wiped out and looking pretty harsh.   Please keep your fingers crossed for me that my blood counts did not drop far enough to where I can't have my last chemo treatment tomorrow.  I'm really worried about that.  I decided to take off work today not only to stay away from potential sick co-workers but to rest and take care of myself.  (last chemo - tomorrow at 1pm)

Thanks again for all your support and encouraging words. 

XOXO Jen

Update # 14, Chemo # 10

Before I start my update, I'd like to say a BIG THANK YOU to my long time friend Terri who walked the Arizona 3 day, 60 mile walk for breast cancer cure.    I've known Terri since Kindergarten and we've been able to keep in touch all these years.  She is a huge inspiration to me and I'm so grateful to her for being so involved in the cure for cancer.   Not only is she walking for her loved ones, she added me in this year as "walking for her friend" Jen.  She also has a picture of me and Cody on a button attached to her backpack.  That means so much.  I've said it before in previous e-mails that in the past, I've always ran the race for the cure in Arizona but have never walked the 3 Day 60 mile walk.  She has walked 60 miles more than once for her loved ones and will continue to do so.   Thank you Terri for honoring your family and your friends.
LET"S CURE THIS THING ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Chemo time - Mom and Wendy took me today which was nice.  Now the usual....weight, blood withdraw, blood counts, chemo drugs, and nap.  I brought my camera so I could take various photos to chronicle the events.  Eventually I'll post a few photos of the chemo room, of me,  and my favorite nurses.  

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Got a call from Dr. Wilkinson (Oncologist)  She wants me to make an appt with the Radiology Oncologist ASAP.  I guess she and Dr. Purkert (Surgeon) want to confirm information about my lymph nodes so Dr. Moulds (the new doc) is going over all my medical records.  He will consult with Wilkinson and Purkert to make the final decisions regarding my surgery.   So I had to run over to Fairfax Radiology to have them put all my medical records on CDs for Dr. Moulds.   Had I known I'd be doing this I would have requested those records when I actually had the tests done 4 months ago. My appointment with Dr. Moulds is Monday, November 14th.  As usual, I'm anxious to meet with him.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I'm starting to notice a trend here.  Thursdays are my tired days and boy does work drag by really SLOW!  Taste buds gone.  So frustrating.

Friday, November 11, 2011
Hanging out at the house, but I'm really tired today.  I'm also getting tired of busting out of my clothes.  Turns out I've gained 11 pounds since my first weigh in on August 1st.  It might not sound like a lot but on me it is.  Like I mentioned last week.  I seriously look 3 months pregnant.  Nurse Tonya said it was the decadron that was adding on the weight.  So once chemo is over, I shouldn't have to take decadron anymore so unless they put me on some mega drug during surgery or radiation, I should be able to start getting rid of this extra weight.  So as I was cleaning the house,  it dawned on me that I still have my maternity pants.  YES I DID, I had to.  I don't see a reason to spend money on bigger pants because it's just my belly that's gaining all the weight.  So the maternity pants is a quick fix and man are those stretchy waistbands awesome!!!

Friday, Saturday and Sunday, November 11, 12, and 13th
THE ARIZONA 3 DAY WALK for BREAST CANCER

Although I can not be with Terri in Arizona, I've been thinking about her this entire weekend.    I've been rooting her on through Face Book looking at her posts and photos of her walk.  Maybe one day I'll walk the 3 day walk for the cure but first I'd like to start with maybe a 1 mile walk and work my way back to a run.   I will always support this cause and it means so much to me now.  Thank you Terri !!! 

So I would say overall this was another good chemo week but a tiring one.  My energy level was really low so I didn't get to do all the things I had planned to do this weekend which is a little depressing  but I'm trying to keep my spirits up and make it through the next 2 chemo sessions.  So close now it's almost hard to believe.   Chemo # 11 is today at 1pm.  Ken's mom Eleanor will be taking me.  Fingers crossed all goes well as usual.   

I'm attaching a photo of Terri on her last day of her walk. 
Thanks again for all your continued support.
XOXO Jen 

STRENGTH

A few months ago, my friend Lisa left me a sweet voice mail on my work phone.  In that voice mail she said so many wonderful and sweet things including strength and then said that I was such a strong woman.  As I listened to her voice mail, I started crying.  I thought to myself, how could she say I was strong?  I’m weak, not strong.  I cry every time I go to chemo.  How does she possibly think I’m strong?  Well, I sat down and wrote the word strength and in that word tried to find other words that made up Strength or maybe describe me.  This is what I came up with.  

 

S urvival

T ransition

R eality

E volving

N ote worthty

G reatness

T rust

H eart

Now, 3 months later I do believe I'm a strong woman and this is what I think of myself now:

S – Survivor

T – Truth

R – Reality

E – Energy

N – Never ending

G – Growth

T – Triple negative breast cancer

H - Hope

I’ve come a long way baby.  Looking back at old photos from the beginning of this process to now.  It has been a journey. An amazingly tough journey.

Thanks Lisa for bringing STRENGTH to my attention.  Love ya!!!

Update # 13, Chemo # 9 and good news!

It's that time again.....CHEMO time!

Tuesday, November 1st - Yea, I got Nurse Tonya again.  I'm so glad she's my nurse today.  It's such a good feeling to see a familiar face.   I don't get so nervous since I know what to expect with her.

Wednesday, November 2nd -  Here comes the hot flashes.  HOT, COLD, HOT, COLD.  Oh I hate it.  Now the the cooler weather is here, I get cold.  So I put my fall attire on (long sleeves and pants).  Then all of the sudden I get a hot flash so I’m pulling my sleeves up and throwing off my wig or hat.  Then all of the sudden I'm cold again.    So I snuggle under a blanket.  Then I'm incredibly hot so I throw off the blankets   Any air feels good then I get cold again and the covers come back on.  It goes on and on.  I swear I’m really experiencing menopause.  It’s driving me nuts.  The doc did say that would be a symptom.  Whether it continues after chemo is unknown to the doctors since I am still kind of  young.

 A new symptom I’m experiencing is numbness in my toes.   I assume this is normal.  In the beginning of my Taxol treatment, the nurses said one side effect would be numbness in my fingertips which happened.  I have a hard time grabbing things especially my credit card out of my wallet.  Well now, it’s the tips of my toes.  Feels like they are asleep all the time.  Like a tingly feeling.  Humm….

Last but not least.  We can’t forget to mention how awesome it is to loose my taste buds.  I can’t taste anything and I’m eating in hopes of tasting something.  Water even tastes yucky.  Candy too.  Crazy huh?

Thursday, Nov 3rd -  For some reason I’m really tired today.  Not sure if the hot flashes and the bathroom breaks all through out the night last night that caused me to be tired today or if it’s the fact that I now have 9 full treatments in me.  I have 3 more to go and I can’t wait.  So today was a long day at work but I was functioning.   Unlike previous chemo treatments in the very beginning where I was a zombie,  I can actually hold a conversation.   I just didn’t have the energy today to be fun silly Jen.  Hopefully I’ll snap out of it.  Cody is turning 4 tomorrow so I've got to snap out of the sleepy zone.  I have to be photo ready.  Ha-ha! 

Friday, Nov 4th - Met with the surgeon today.  Such a great day so....

DARE I SAY.... COMPLETE REMISSION !!! 

So excited about today.  I finally met with my surgeon and good news!!!!  My lump is gone.  Completely gone!  I'm in what the doc called "COMPLETE REMISSION".

Internet definition:  A period of time during which symptoms of a disease are reduced (partial) or undetectable (complete). In the case of breast cancer, remission means that tests and imaging do not show evidence of the cancer, and that a doctor cannot see signs of the cancer during a clinical exam. 

So my MRI is showing no mass and my surgeon said from the exam he performed everything felt "normal".  So I'm happy but hesitant to believe it.  All these months of chemo and it's gone?  It's almost to good to be true.  While at his office, he said something that kind of puzzled me.  He said for a woman with triple negative cancer this is very good news.  Triple negative?  What's triple negative?   I don't remember the oncologist talking about that but then again, with all that crying going on, and all the information we took in on one visit, who knows what I heard and if I did hear it, I certainly don't remember it.  Also with Chemo brain, it's easy to forget things as well.  So wondering what it was I had to check the internet.

Internet def:  Your pathology report may say that the breast cancer cells tested negative for estrogen receptors (ER-), progesterone receptors (PR-), and HER2 (HER2-). Testing negative for all three means the cancer is triple-negative.  These negative results mean that the growth of the cancer is not supported by the hormones estrogen and progesterone, nor by the presence of too many HER2 receptors. Therefore, triple-negative breast cancer does not respond to hormonal therapy (such as tamoxifen or aromatase inhibitors) or therapies that target HER2 receptors, such as Herceptin (chemical name: trastuzumab). However, other medicines can be used to treat triple-negative breast cancer.

I actually found a website dedicated to triple negative breast cancer (http://www.tnbcfoundation.org)  that I will refer to more  but with the limited research I've done and I say limited because I really didn't like what I read.   Triple negative seems to be an aggressive cancer that seems to come back (reoccur) more often than the other forms of breast cancer and potentially reoccur in areas other than the breast.  Humm?  That a  little nerve wracking but then again that study was published in 2007 and anything can change in 4 years.  The surgeon and oncologist did say that I will be closely monitored for the next 5 years so I will stay as positive as possible, take care of myself and make sure that I stay on top of this by actively communicating with my doctors and taking every single test they order.   My long term goal is to be cured....if there is such a word in the cancer world.

I'm still going to have surgery (December 14th) even though there is nothing there.  The surgeon will take a small sample of where the lump was and have it tested.  Hopefully it will be cancer free so I can move on to radiation and get this over with once and for all. 

Sorry about the definitions above.  I'm still learning more about my cancer as I go through all this.  Ignorance is bliss but knowledge is power. 
Off to chemo in 6 hours.  Today's appointment is at 1pm and I'll be with Mom and Wendy today.

Thanks again for all your continued support. 
 Lots of love, Jen

My favorite.... Nurse Tonya

Worn out

I have 2 more chemo appointments and I'm at the point where I'm getting completely worn out.  You can tell in my face.  I've lost my color, I'm so pale.  I don't bother putting foundation or powder on.  My face is really dry and some makeup makes my face burn.   My eyelashes are pretty much gone so I don't wear mascara.  I've tried to wear it but it just doesn't look right.  And who wants to wear lipstick especially if that's the only makeup on.  It looks silly.  I feel like that vibrant young woman I once was is now an old haggard woman.  So sad.  But no matter how bad I looked, my little boy Cody only saw his mom.  So that kept me going.

Update # 12, Chemo # 8

Tuesday, Oct 25th
I feel empowered.  Today I had my 8th chemo session and I met with doctor.  I was so excited but for some reason I had a flashback of the past.   It was only  3 1/2 months ago that I was crying out of control as I walked through the non chemo side of the doctors office.  I just learned I had breast cancer and was discussing  my options with the doctor.   Surgery, radiation, chemo, it was all so overwhelming.  Fast forward to today and I feel so motivated, so strong and looking at the doctor's smiling face, I know I'm going to survive this,  She was very pleased with how I looked.  Today was chemo  # 8 and I feel great.  I don't have nausea, mouth sores, aches and pains, diaharia, fever, etc.  Overall I'm healthy and feeling good.  All very good signs, the doctor said.  She did a breast exam and smiled as she felt the area where I once had a 2.8 cm lump.  I can't feel it anymore and neither can she so again, it looks like the chemo is working.  She gave me an order for a breast MRI and told me to schedule an appointment with the surgeon to discuss my MRI results.  I need to find out what kind of surgery I will have.   I'm really ready to get the ball rolling on this.

So I got Nurse Tonya today.  She is so gentle.  My white blood counts were good so onward with chemo. Since I had the doctor visit 1st I didn't get to chemo till noon.  So Eleanor and I didn't leave till about 2pm.  No that bad.  I did fall asleep in my session today and even though I managed to eat before falling asleep when I got home I was starving.  So I ate.  Then I needed sugar so I made myself a english muffin with butter and jelly, then I had an ice cream drumstick, and of course a quick piece or 2 of halloween candy.  I know, not the best foods but I crave sweet things so I can taste something.  No wonder I've gained 9 pounds so far.  Yes, 9 pounds.  The funny thing is the nurse said with my body size when I gain weight it goes all to my gut.  So I look almost 3 months pregnant at times.  Crazy huh?  Well that will be the first thing I loose when I recover from surgery.  I can barely fit into my clothes, especially my work pants.  YIKES!

I must admit, I'm very pleased with today's chemo session and I'm very excited to get past the next 4 sessions.

Wednesday, Oct 26th - work, good day

Thursday, Oct 27th - work and MRI.  I had my MRI scheduled for 9:30am this morning.  I went to work for 1 hour and left for my appointment.  Of course as soon as I got there they informed me that they were running 1 hour behind schedule.  I really wish doctor offices would call you when they are behind schedule.  I really hate waiting in the lobby but then again who does?  Anyway, since I had so many tests done before I started chemo I forgot exactly what test I was getting.  So when she called me back and told me I was getting a needle in my arm with contrast, I couldn't help to roll my eyes and say, oh I'm so tired of getting pricked.  But then I had to re-remember that I was here for a reason and that is to get the results and hopefully my tumor has shrunk.  Besides, the nurse was awesome.  She did what she had to and took me back.  Before I knew it, the test was done so besides the little prick, it was painless and took about 45 min.

Thursday and Friday - no taste buds.  No matter how much I eat and what I eat, I can't taste it.  It's driving me nuts.  I'm dying to taste something.  Also, the hot flashes have to end.  One min I'm cold and the next I'm HOT!  Not sexy HOT but burning up HOT. 

Saturday, October 29th - SNOW before Halloween?  I know this is not chemo related but man, this east coast snow storm was a record breaker for being the earliest on record for Virginia.  As all of you know, I'm so not into the cold weather but seeing the gigantic snow flakes coming down while the leaves on the trees were still bright yellow and red tones was kind of cool.  I took a few photos (and it was super chilly out) but I don't think I truly captured the beauty of it.  So since we were stuck inside I figured Cody and I could make halloween sugar cookies which really didn't turn out all the well.  I guess better luck next year. 

Sunday, October 30th - I'm feeling really good today.  A little tired but not enough to keep Ken, Cody and I away from taking Cody ice skating for the 1st time.  We found an indoor ice rink in Ashburn that teaches the little ones (4 and up) ice hockey.  So we thought maybe Cody would like to try Hockey in a few months but lets put him on ice skates to see how he does.  Surprisingly he did pretty good and he only fell a few times.  Ken and I haven't been on ice skates in YEARS and we did good too.  We didn't fall so I call this day a success. 

Monday, October 31st - HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!
The day before chemo is the absolute best day ever.  I have taste buds, I'm active, I'm in a good mood and I'm one day closer to my cure.  I went to work today.  My office had an awesome Halloween brunch to celebrate.  There was so much yummy breakfast foods and of course desserts.  Cupcakes, cookies, and chocolate candy.  I had to eat it, and it tasted so good!  I ended up leaving work early to attend Cody's preschool Halloween parade which I'll talk about in a separate e-mail since this one is getting long.   

Ken's parents drove down for the Halloween festivities and before all the trick-or-treating began, we had dinner.  With all the excitement of the night, I almost forgot to take my medication.  But I did take it and that made me realize how fast the weeks truly fly by and my next chemo (#9) is tomorrow.  I'm secretly hoping to get my MRI results back but wonder if I'll have to wait till I meet with the surgeon.  I'll keep you posted but please keep your fingers crossed that my tumor shrunk!

LOVE YOU ALL!!!
Jen

P.S.  My sweet neighbor set up a blog for me called Jen's journey.  I haven't posted anything to it yet but all my previous posts are there.  If you would like check it out at:   http://www.jenniferkile.blogspot.com

Not sure if everyone would like my updates through e-mails or if you'd rather check out the blog instead.  Comment? Preferences? Thanks! 

Happy Halloween

Ok, am I a bad mom?  Is it wrong to take slight advantage of my bald head right now playing Halloween tricks on Cody?  I have to admit it.  I've been scaring him a little but isn't it TIS THE SEASON?  He hasn't had any nightmares and actually thinks it funny afterward.  I know, it's wrong but it's fun.  We went trick o treating and there were a ton of parents handing out candy in scary costumes trying to scare the kids.  I wasn't wearing a costume and I'm not targeting any other kids just mine.  I use my bald head, widen my eyes, hide, and jump out saying BOO!  Ok, I might have said his name in a scary tone too but it's all fun and games.  Right?

I took him to Party City to pick out a costume a few weeks ago.  I really didn't know what he wanted to be.  He mentioned that he wanted to be a skeleton but didn't really say anything else.  So when we got to the store they had an entire wall of pictures of costumes.  Cody briefly looked at the pictures and all of the sudden he got really excited and yelled out the PACKAGE MAN!!!  I said what?  The PACKAGE MAN mommy.  I want to be the package man.  I looked over and he was pointing to the UPS man.  The UPS man?  Really?  That's what you want to be?  I must admit, I was a bit shocked.  I thought if anything he'd pick the police officer cause he always says hi to them when we are at a function or event.  In fact one time he made one hold him and wouldn't let the officer put him down.  Come on Cody, let's go before he issues us a ticket for annoyance.  Ha-ha!  So, the UPS man it is.  And you know what?  He rocked that outfit.  He was so happy to run to our front door in his costume, ringing the doorbell, dropping off the package and running from the door. 

So tonight when we went trick or treating, Cody went from door to door and almost everyone asked him when are they getting their package. By the 3rd time, he answered all others with a sigh and said TOMORROW!  It was so cute.  This is our first Halloween in Ashburn.  Our neighborhood is awesome.  There were kids everywhere trick or treating.  It was awesome!!  Tons of houses were decorated and everyone was having such a good time.  I wish mom and Wendy could have been here to see it.  But since I have Chemo tomorrow, Ken's mom and dad were here.  Ken's dad said we must of had 100 kids come to the door as he handed out all the candy.  Ken, Eleanor and I took Cody out.  He was so polite, only taking 1 piece and saying trick or treat. 

Happy Halloween!

Update # 11, Chemo #7

Hi Everyone!!!  Just wanted to let you know that I'm a little behind in my updates.  The update I sent yesterday (2 weeks ago) was suppose to be Chemo # 6, not Chemo #7.  The update I'm sending now (Chemo #7) covers last Tuesday's appointment.

So my chemo day has come again. 
Tues. October 18th -  My appointment was at 11:10 am and even though I like the earlier appointments, I still hate going.  I always have to re-remind myself that chemo is good for me.  In fact I got an awesome card from one of my friends that said "CHEMO SUCKS!!"  (inside the card) But if CHEMO kills my cancer then "CHEMO ROCKS!!!"  and that's the mindset I have to stay in.  Chemo doesn't actually hurt, it's the needle in my port that does.  I hate needles and I cringe during the whole cleaning process and needle being inserted.  But surprisingly today wasn't bad either.  In fact nurse Tonya was really gentle which of course makes me very happy.  Ken was the lucky one to join me today for my appointment.  This is the 1st time he's been to the Reston location.  He loved how close it is to our house and he was really surprised at how quick my appointment was.  We were done at 12:45.  I didn't fall asleep this time.  I felt the Benadryl take over but it didn't knock me out.  So since it was early, we grabbed lunch.  It was nice to spend time with Ken and talk about my treatment.  Only 5 more to go. 

Wednesday, Oct 19th - Sunday Oct. 23rd.  This week I had a few slow days mainly Thurs and Friday.  Nothing major, just a little tired which is to be expected.  So far I've really only had a little restless leg syndrome, a little numbness in my finger tips, my taste buds are off and what little hair I had left is about gone but I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes so lets keep our fingers crossed they continue to stay. 

I'm still happy to say that I did have energy to enjoy a wonderful weekend with family and friends.  When today (Monday) rolled around I must admit that I was a little tired today at work but I think it's due to the fact that I was on the go pretty much all weekend so who wouldn't be tired right? 

Tomorrow, Oct 25th is my next chemo appointment.  I'll be meeting with the Doctor before my appointment and I must admit I'm anxious to see what she has to say. 

Thanks again for your continued support.  Without you, this would be a far tougher road to travel on.
XOXO Jen

Update # 10, Chemo # 6

THIS CHEMO ROCKED!!!

Tues. October 11th - Got a new nurse today.  So far since I've been in Reston I haven't had the same nurse twice so I haven't gotten to know them and feel comfortable with them yet.  It's pretty much all business.  They're nice but it's not the same as nurse Trucilla.  She's the best.  Her personality is awesome and she keeps me laughing through the process.  But today I got someone new and although I didn't catch her name she was the absolute best at putting the needle in my port.  I yelped a little but that's because they normally count to 3 so I know it's coming.  So she's either really gentle or my numbing cream finally really worked.  As usual, she took my blood and my counts were great so onward with chemo.  1st came the Benadryl then Taxol.  I had a lovely 1 hour nap.  In fact it was a really good deep sleep.  My restless leg syndrome was here but no where near as wild as it was last week.  So I was happy about that.  When I woke up I was really groggy but I was ready to go home. 

Wed. October 12th - Went to work, everything is good.

Thurs. October 13th - Went to work, started to get tired but once I ate lunch I kind of bounced back to life.  Last week I was completely exhausted so I'm thinking taking less meds has really helped me recover.

Fri. October 14th - Last week I was on the couch all day, today was completely different.  Sure I'm a little tired but overall I had energy enough to go shopping.  And that's not all......

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday (October 14th, 15th and 16th)

The most absolute best 3 days I've had in a long time!

Friday - shopping with Eleanor (Ken's mom)  in Leesburg.  Later in the day our local high school had their homecoming parade at the Legacy park that is walking distance from out house.  The parade was nice and the teenagers riding on the floats threw halloween candy to all the little kids.

Friday night we drove Eleanor home to PA.

Saturday - Took a mini afternoon nap.  Had to rest up for Knoebel's amusement park.  Knoebel's is a family run amusement park that's free to get in, you only pay for the rides and food.  We usually pay for a hand stamp that way Cody can ride as many rides as he wants as many times as he wants.  We wanted to go to Knoebel's because they opened up in the month of October for Boo Fest.  The park was decorated with pumpkins, skeletons, hay bails painted to look like big pumpkins, headless horseman, lots of orange lights and a lot of other fun stuff.  Cody had so much fun.  We were at the park for 6 1/2 hours and I didn't need to take a break.  I really enjoyed watching Ken and Cody ride the rides he couldn't ride alone and then of course loved watching him ride the kiddie rides by himself.  The smile on Cody's face was priceless. 

Sunday - Was a busy day too. We went to fairgrounds to see the animals.   A few hours later we went to a pumpkin patch and picked out  5-6 pumpkins to take home with us.  On our way home we hit our favorite ice cream shop Brewster's.  I had a hot fudge sundae.  Usually I don't have any taste buds and I really can't taste my food but I was actually able to get a yummy taste of this hot fudge. 

Mon. October 17th - Went to work.  Since my chemo appointments were switched to Tuesdays a few weeks back I decided to switch my days off at work from Mondays to Tuesdays that way I don't have to take sick leave anymore when I go to my chemo appointments.  So of course the last day of my previous week is certainly the best day.  I got home after picking Cody up from preschool and immediately went outside to enjoy the nice weather and watch him play on the swing set.  It wasn't long before we saw the neighbors out and Cody was playing with Abby and Caleb.  He loves them playing with them so much.  Then we got the rakes out (yes to all my Arizona family and friends) our leaves are changing quickly and falling fast.  Winter is on it's way.  So we raked up a pile and the kids jumped in.  What fun!

So like I said above in the beginning of this e-mail...THIS CHEMO ROCKED!!!  
SO LET'S KEEP THESE GOOD DAYS ON A ROLL!

Love Jen

Update # 9, Chemo # 5

Hello everyone!!!!

As you all know, October is breast cancer awareness month and everyday I see something on tv, in an ad, at the store all bringing awareness to the public.  Well, I'm certainly aware and luckily things seem to be going well.  I wish I could participate in a walk or race but I don't have the strength now but I know next year I will and I will be wearing pink.  But it's a journey and my journey started in July when I was told I had cancer.  What a shock to my system and what a roller coaster it ride it has been.  When I met with doctor for the 1st time, I was told that I would start with chemo first instead of going straight to surgery.  I was scheduled for 16 weeks of chemo beginning with the drugs Cytoxan and Adriamycin.  These 2 drugs were given to me simultaneously along with a few nausea meds every other week (weeks 1, 3, 5 and 7) for a total of 4 treatments.  Those drugs came with sides effects including hair loss, nausea, exhaustion, dizziness/loopy and a few others.  Last week I started a new drug called Taxol. This single drug will be given to me weekly for the next 8 weeks and my last  treatment should be November 22nd.  I was a little nervous about taking Taxol because I didn't know what to expect or what side effects I'd experience.  I was so familiar with the other 2 drugs that I was afraid to try something new but the doctor said that Taxol was an easier drug to handle and I should recover quicker from it.  Although I find that appealing, I can't seem to believe it.  Chemo has not been easy so far but then again, no one said it would be. 

Tuesday, October 4th
I must admit I was so nervous for this appointment.  I could barely sleep.  All I kept thinking about was how was my body going to react to the Taxol?  And why did my appointment have to be at 1pm?  I personally would rather get these appointments over with.  Get in and get out.  But since my sessions are shorter now, the doctor saves the morning appointments for people with longer sessions and the shorter sessions like mine (2 hours max) for the afternoon which makes sense.  Wendy went with me to this session and we grabbed lunch before and headed over to my appointment.  Once we got there I found a small rash on my left leg which was really odd.  I had them check it out in case it was a mild allergic reaction to all the pills I had to take last night and this morning.  Turns out it was a heat rash.  Probably from the unusually warm weather we're having, me overdressing, (jeans, long sleeve shirt, boots)  overheating and of course stressing out.  As usual, it didn't take long for them to start the process by inserting  the dreaded needle in my port to check my blood counts which were good then proceeding with the benadryl dose and Taxol.  The whole process was only 2 hours max.  The good news is I got my favorite nurse tending to me today.  She is so awesome, always talks me thru the process and she really keeps my spirits up.  The only bad thing about this treatment was the fun restless leg syndrome and numbing in my finger tips.  I can deal with the numbness but every time I came close to falling asleep my legs would twitch and spasm.  I wonder how long this will last cause it's really annoying.  So overall, I would say the Taxol is so much better than the Cytoxan and Adriamycin.  I think I'll be able to handle this for the next 8 weeks.  

Wednesday, Oct 5th
I felt awesome.  I woke up this morning inspired and motivated.  I was really pleased with how I felt so I went to work.  The day went by so well that it's almost like I didn't have a chemo treatment at all.  And good news.....no more leg spasms. 

Thursday, Oct 6th
What goes up must come down and that's exactly what happened.  I was fine in the morning so I went to work.  By lunch my entire body shifted.  I grabbed lunch with my Co-worker Jen and I could feel my body changing as I was eating.  I suddenly felt wiped out.  I actually just wanted to get back to the office and just sit for a bit.  It was hard to focus and it was hard to not leave work early to go home and lay down.  I hung in there till 4pm but boy was it tough. 

Friday, Oct 7th
I knew after work yesterday that there was no way I would go to work today to make up for taking Tuesday off.  I can't believe the amount of exhaustion I'm feeling at the moment.  I so look forward to my days off work.  Especially the ones where I get quiet time to myself.  That might sound selfish but when Cody is home he wants my attention 24/7.  Of course I want to give him attention and I certainly love hanging out and playing with him but there are those times when I'm so exhausted I can't get out of bed and I feel so bad when I can't spend time with my family.  So I love the quiet time on Fridays.  What's so disappointing is when all I do is veg on the couch.  With no energy, I can't get anything done.  That includes housework, errands, cooking, etc.  I'm still anxious to organize and decorate the rest of our house.  So many things I want to do and just can't due to being so tired.  And of course if I do get a boost of energy like I did on Wednesday, it seems to be a few hours or days later when I get tired again.  I know, it's part of the side effects so I'll rest and get better.  Oh, and I'm getting hot and cold flashes to. 

Saturday, Sunday and Monday (Oct 8, 9, and 10th)
FABULOUS!!!  I'm back to my normal self.  Of course I need to take little cat naps to get re-energized but overall I would say the weekend was GREAT!!!  I'm so happy.

But reality has come.  Now that my chemo appointments are weekly, I just realized last night that I have my next session today at 1:10pm.  Good news since I know what to expect I'm not as nervous today.  Also, since I didn't have an allergic reaction to the new drug Taxol, I don't have to take 11 pills plus 2 doses of Benadryl thru the IV.  I only have to take 5 pills and 1 dose of benadryl so I'm hoping with less pills maybe I won't be so tired later this week.  Fingers crossed.  But then again if I have only 2 bad days out of 7 I'll take it.  To me, I look at it as 5 GREAT DAYS.

Thanks for listening.
XOXO Jen

Nurse Trucilla and me

Update #8, Bald and Beautiful

I never thought in a million years that I would have cancer but I did.  I never thought I would ever loose my hair but I did.  I never thought this day would come but it did.  And you know what?  I DID IT!!!  I made a decision and I actually did it.  I called our barber Vicki and told her I was ready to shave my head.    I didn't plan to do this.  I was holding on to my buzz cut for as long as I could but watching it fall out little by little everyday was tough.  I must admit I was surprised at how long I actually held onto it.  If you remember, the doctor urged me to buzz my head before chemo started.  I waited and buzzed it a week after my 1st session.  By my 2nd appointment the doctor warmed me that in most cases be prepared for complete hair loss.  But my hair hung in there.  I was starting to think my hair wasn't going to fall out after all.  Maybe I was one of the lucky ones to keep it.  But slowly the chemo took over and over time my hair was falling out.  It wasn't horrific but it was starting to bother me.  Ken suggested I shave it.  I guess I didn't want to or thought I didn't have to yet.  I only looked at myself in the mirror front on.  I never looked at the back of my head.  I just wasn't ready.  I knew it was missing in spots but I really had no idea.  Then Wendy came over last Saturday.   I asked her to take a few photos of me to chronicle my journey.  When she handed the camera back to me, I saw how splotchy and bad it really looked.  So that's when I called Vicki and asked her to shave off the rest of my hair.  She opened her barber shop 1 hour early on Sunday so we could shave my head without any of her customers watching.  It actually took a lot longer than I expected.  She was very gentle with my head since it's very tender.  I'm not completely bald.  I still have a small patch of hair on the top of my head hanging on for dear life but it's shaved down pretty good and I don't look sickly anymore.  I actually look ok.

Now,8 weeks later, I'm amazed at how I've accepted my new look.  I went through such an emotional journey from long hair to short hair to a buzz cut to almost baldness.  I thought I would cry at the sight of seeing myself with no hair but in fact, it's the opposite.  I'm ok with it.  It's me and I think by cutting it in stages has helped me thru the process.  And of course all the support from everyone to get me thru each stage.  But I have to say, how Cody is supporting me is the most surprising best thing about the entire process.  Even though I've accepted how I look,  for some reason I must have saw someone with a cute hairstyle and in the car I said to myself with a sigh, "I can't wait till my hair grows back."  I didn't even realize that Cody heard me and he said, "Don't worry mommy, you're hair will grow back.  I PROMISE!"  That just made my day.  For such a little boy, his words were so powerful.  I would love to know how much Cody is really processing and how much he knows of what is going on.  Whatever the case is, he's my biggest fan and I'm his.

So I'm attaching a photo of the real deal.  The real me....bald and beautiful.  
Thanks again for your support and encouragement.
Love, Jen