A visit from Lisa

Such a nice day today.  My friend Lisa was in town for the week and today was able to come to my house to visit with me.  She has been a long time friend.  We met at work back in 1999 I think.  We were both in our 20's and we had so much fun.  Now a decade later and we're still friends.  I love it!  What's awesome is when my friends do come out and visit me, it's a huge form of therapy.  Seeing how happy and healthy they are only encourages me to get on that train and get stronger and healthier.

Cancer buddies vs Cancer bullies

A lot of times people think just because you finished all your treatments and that you're cancer free everything is hunky dory.  But it's not.  There is a recovery period for your body to heal both emotionally and physically.  One of my new pink sisters Step did an interview with Let's Talk live.  I think this is something everyone should watch.   And maybe people will get a little more of an understanding on what people with cancer go through. 

http://bcove.me/5r4jrys3

17 days later

17 days after my last radiation treatment

17 days I look happy and healthy

17 days is all it took

For my office to meet with me and tell me that I needed to come back to work full time on 

April 23rd.

Just 1 month from now.

Still completely swollen, sunburned in the brightest shade of red, peeling, and in pain....but yet because I come to work and put a smile on my face, I'm healthy?

17 days is all it took for my office to say, we don't care that she had cancer for 8 months.  We want to hire more people and as long as she's on the books as part time....we can't hire anyone.  

REALLY?

22 years of service, 8 months of diagnosis, chemo, surgery, and radiation treatments and....

17 days is all it took

THANK YOU TO MY FRONT OFFICE FOR CARING ABOUT YOUR EMPLOYEES

I COULD HAVE DIED 

BUT THEN AGAIN, DO YOU REALLY CARE?

17 DAYS

I still get looks but I handling it

When I pick up and drop off Cody from preschool everyday I can see his little classmates looking at me.  Actually staring at me.  What do they see?  Cody's mommy or a strange woman who looks like their daddy?  When I walk in they call for Cody.  Cody, you're mommy's here!!  As Cody runs up to me, they continue to stare.  I asked Cody is anyone of his classmates asked him about mommy's hair and all he said was Lilli said you were beautiful.  That's his staple word for me.  He's always calling me beautiful and I love it.  He's really helped me accept the way I look.  I look in the mirror and sometimes see a monster looking back but Cody sees his beautiful mother and I can see her there sometimes.  The teachers have noticed too but none have said anything to me yet.  A majority of them knew I had cancer but some might not have known.  I would think it would have been obvious when I had long blonde hair, then short blonde hair, then a short blonde wig, to a long brunette wig to now my buzz cut.  Does a woman really change her looks that much in a 8 month span?  Well, maybe but I think the wigs were a little obvious.  But then again, tons of moms and dads roll through that preschool in a day.  They can't possibly remember what each parent (hair) looks like on a daily basis. 

I must admit that I'm handing my new look better than I thought.  On Monday I was a mess.  I dropped Cody off in the morning and I don't know by the time I got to work I was a mess.  Thank goodness I brought my wig with me because I ended up having to go to a meeting outside my office and there was no way I was ready to see people looking like this.  Strangers yes but people who are distant co-workers that didn't know about my cancer would have probably given me the strangest looks and I certainly wasn't going to cry at work.  Well, maybe in my cube but not at a meeting. 

It might sound silly to get upset over hair but I do.  Now I don't wish Cancer on anyone, not even my worst enemy but loosing your hair strand by strand to the point of baldness and growing it back slowly as if you are an infant is difficult.  I like to joke with my co-workers....I have no part.  Look, it all grows toward my face like a baby.  It drives me a little nuts but I know in time, I'll have a cute style.  I'm actually thinking of getting Ellen Degeneres haircut.  I need to actually find a photo that I like and try to get mine cut soon so it has some sort of style and shape.

So I'm accepting my new look and as each day goes by, I'm handling it better and better.

1st followup appointments

Today I had my 1st followup appointments with my Surgeon and Oncologist.  Normally I don't schedule 2 doctor appointments in one day but I really didn't have much of a choice since my Oncologist only sees her patients in Reston on Tuesdays and my surgeon only sees patients in Fairfax on Tuesdays and Fridays.  Unfortunately, the doctors were in 2 different locations so I had to do a lot of driving.

1st Appointment:  Dr. Purkert (Surgeon)
My appointment was at 10am.  I left my house at 9am and it took me 1 hour (with traffic) to go 20 miles.  Can you believe that?  In this area, I can.  I was already a little under the weather so by the time I got to my appointment I was so tired.  I don't know if the doctor was super behind schedule or they skipped me because I arrived right on time but I waited in the lobby for 1 hour 15 min.  I was starting to get a little frustrated but since I really like Dr. Purkert I bit my tongue.  Besides it gave me a chance to read the Washingtonian Magazine "The Best Doctors" in Northern VA, DC and MD.  So of course I thumbed through it quickly to see if my docs were on the list.  Yes to Dr. Purkert, Yes to Dr. Wilkinson, Yes to my OB's and whoops, I don't see my radiation oncologist.  Hummm?????  I also had a chance to read the book I got yesterday from my good friend Barb.  I got about 20 pages in and so far it's an interesting read.  I'll talk about that in another post.

Anyway, back to my appointment.  I finally got called back only to wait 10 more minutes.  Finally Dr. Purkert came in.  He talked to me for a few minutes, did a check of all my surgical scars and said everything looks great.  I told him my port scar itched and he told me that a little bit of hydrocortisone cream will help ease the itch.   He then gave me an order to get my mammogram in 6 months.  I thought that was a little far out but he said that 6 months gives my body time to heal from surgery and radiation treatments.  Humm? Oh, okay.  So, I would say that visit was a total of a 5-10 min.  I know I shouldn't complain but it just seems like a lot of waiting for such a quick looksie.

2nd appointment:  Dr. Wilkinson (Oncologist)
It's 11:30 and my next appointment was at 1:15pm.  I called Dr. Wilkinson's office to see if I could get in earlier.  I really didn't want to drive all the way home just to turn around and drive back out again.  I also didn't want to hang out at a store to just to hang out.  Normally I love to shop but I was just to darn tired for that so I made a call.  Belle, Dr. Wilkinson's assistant told me to just come by and they'll fit me in.  Humm????  Does that mean that I'll be waiting in the waiting room for an eternity?  Luckily only about 15 min.  I got called back and it seemed weird to come back to the place that I dreaded so much.  Chemo was not fun for me.  It wasn't to bad since I was going to the "meet and greet side", not the chemo side of the office so I was fine.  First, the nurse weighed me.  128 lbs.  YES!!!  I'm down 2 pounds.  Come on weight, work with me.  :)  Next she asked what questions I had for the doctor.  I actually had a ton but never made a list. So I was winging it.  I mentioned the following questions and when Dr. Wilkinson came in she answered them.

Am I a survivor?  You can call yourself a survivor but we tend to call you cancer free.  Once you hit the  3 year mark (the magic number for triple negative cancer patients) and you haven't had a recurrence  then I'd call yourself a cancer survivor.  But it's completely up to you.

What vitamins can I take?  You can take Vitamin D and a 600 mg of calcium.  They really didn't give me a specific brand of vitamins so I don't know if that matters or not but I'll be doing some research to see what other ladies are taking.

What is my followup schedule going to be?   Appointment with with me in July.  1st Mammo in September and an appointment with Dr. Purkert in September.

My toes are numb still.  Is that normal?    That is completely normal.  It may or may not go away.

My toenails are dead.  Is that normal or is that fungus?  Can't tell yet.  It looks like possible side effects of chemo but when I re-exam you in July, I'll know.

Can I paint my toenails? Yes you can. 

Dr. Wilkinson also told me to make my appointment with the OB.    I'm also going to take the proactive approach to make sure I'm healthy.   I want to get every part of my body checked out.  That includes the dermatologist, dentist, eye doctor and whoever else I can see.  I'm so nervous that my cancer will come back.  This time with a vengence.

She also told me that I needed to keep up with my monthly breast exams.  I do feel around once in a while but I've noticed that where I had my surgery (left arm pit and breast) that they are still really tender to the touch and my breast has a bumpy feeling which I think is scar tissue.

With cancer on the rise these days, you would think that schools would teach girls about their breasts.  Knowing how to examine them and feeling what is a true lump or what is not.  When I felt my lump I knew immediately something was wrong but the younger girls may brush it off and not take it so seriously.  And lumps are something to take very seriously even if it's benign.  But I've been out of school for over 20 years so who knows, maybe they are teaching that stuff in health class.  I hope so.

So I would say I had a good meeting with both of my doctors but I'm completely worn out.  I shouldn't have scheduled both docs on the same day but it's very important to me to have my followups.  I will not miss an appointment and I will take care of myself.   THAT'S A PROMISE!!!

Pink Sisters Brunch

The most amazing day I had in a LONG time.  Today I gained 14 new sisters and it was AMAZING!!!

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY

It's funny how life changes you.  Just a mere 8 years ago, I'd be celebrating St. Patrick's Day with my friends in Arizona at an Irish Pub wearing green of course.  Fast forward to today and I'm now living in Virginia, a wife, a mom, and cancer free.  Never in a million years did I ever plan for cancer, who does?  I did plan to be a wife and mom and I'm going to work my hardest at being staying cancer free while enjoying my life.   Those were the good ole days but now, living and raising my son are going to be my BEST DAYS.

I feel great

Today I finally decided to take a walk during lunch.  I haven't exercised in over 8 months so I thought, it's time.  My co-worker Inayah went with me.  It was a nice stroll and turns out we walked 2.7 miles.  I didn't realize how far we went.  It was just nice walking and chatting.  We did some crunches back in the gym but I didn't get to far with that.  Afterward, when we were getting dressed, my other co-worker Barb told me I should go back to the office without my Diva wig.  I wasn't sure if I was ready for it but it was such a warm day out and I was dying to shed my itchy and tangled wig.  Both Barb and Inayah encouraged me so I did it.  I actually went back without it.  Sure I got a few looks and got some positive compliments but for me this was huge.  Shedding my wig and showing my true look was tougher than I expected but I actually feel really good about it.  In fact, I even have a dress on and everyone thought my new short haircut complimented my dress.  Remember a few days ago,  I was all upset and feeling like I couldn't wear a dress with my new look?  Well, I'm doing it and I feel GREAT!!  I actually had my 2 co-workers take a few photos of me outside.  This one is the only one that really turned out.  What do you think?

All I want is a new dress

So I went to the store today to try to find Cody a cute spring Easter outfit.  I really didn't see anything that jumped out at me.  It truly is a girls world.  All the Easter stuff is geared toward girls.  Such cute dresses, sandals, tights all in colors of pink, purple, yellow, and turquoise.  Boys = khaki, khaki and more khaki.  Ok, I lie there's navy blue too.  But the polo shirts and short sleeve button down shirts that I have come across are really bright oranges and yellows mixed with blues and greens.  Maybe when I try on some of the polo's I bought him, it won't look that bad but the bright colors alone are just really flashy.

So once I really didn't have any luck for Cody I thought well, let me look for myself.  I thought how fun would it be to have some new summer dresses.  I just love dresses and this would be a fun way to bring me back to my old self.  I actually found 12 dresses to try on.  I was so excited.  Certainly 1 or 2 of them would fit right?  Guess what?  Not a one worked.  I was so frustrated.  How is this possible?  Well,  I gained 15 lbs during my chemo treatments and have not been able to drop them yet.  Of course I figured the weight would eventually come off on its own but now, 4 months later, I realize that I would have to work at it.  Once radiation started I knew there was no way I would have the energy to exercise.  Now that I'm 7 days past radiation, I'm starting to feel a small amount of energy coming back.  My body still needs to heal but I'm getting there.  Not only is it difficult to see myself with extra belly jelly,  I'm also adjusting to is seeing myself in my new short do wearing a dress.  It just doesn't look right.  It's frustrating.  Frustrating to the point of almost crying.  I just don't feel like a girl and I was really hoping the dress would make me feel femine again.  Makeup alone doesn't work.  Maybe heels will but until I loose this weight and grow a little more hair, I guess I'll keep wearing my pants.
BORING!!!  All I want is a cute new dress!

My back is peeling

It's been about 2 weeks now since my full field radiation treatments were completed.  I got burned pretty good.  My underarm, back and chest was really red.  I slathered my front with Aquaphor but couldn't always get my back so it seemed like it didn't heal as quickly as the other areas.  Well I could tell my back was getting ready to peel.  First it itched like mad, then it bubbled up and now it's peeling.  It's so weird to see my body go from winter white to pink to red to peeling and now tanning without even stepping out in the sun.  And what's crazy is, of course it's only my left side. Oh well, that's life with treatment for breast cancer.

I'll have to post a photo when I download them off my camera.

I am fire engine red

OUCH!  I am fire engine red.  That last treatment didn't seem like it did anything but man today I'm feeling the pain as well as fatigue.  I'm so incredibly exhausted and I'm fighting it.  I know the doctor said to rest but I'm off work today and all I want to do is enjoy my day off by myself.  But no....all my body wants to do is sleep.  It's kind of pissing me off.  Actually it's really pissing me off.  All I've wanted to do was enjoy life and for the last 8 months everything has been on hold while I battled my cancer.  But now it's officially over and I can't even keep my eyelids open.  I know, patience my darling, patience.  But man, who ever said I had patience?

Ok, I'll stop whining.  I know I'm blessed to be alive and another week or 2 of downtime to recover won't kill me.  

Update # 24, Last radiation treatment

Today was the BEST DAY EVER!!!!

Hello everyone!!!  I have got to be the happiest girl in Ashburn right now.  My last radiation treatment is DONE!!!  Not almost DONE but 100% COMPLETELY DONE!!!   I can't hold back my excitement.  I'm so thrilled and I just can't believe that for now my cancer nightmare is over.  ABSOLUTELY OVER!!! 

I went to my treatment as usual leaving the office at 3:30pm for my 4pm appointment and unfortunately they were a little behind schedule.  They had a new patient and from the sounds of it, he was not quiet understanding exactly what was going on.  They really had to walk him through the procedure.  As he walked into the waiting room I was sitting there in my hospital gown anxiously awaiting my turn.  He turned around and said to the therapist Candy, there's a woman in here.  Candy had to tell him that he was in the transition room and that the dressing room was where he needed to change.  All I kept thinking about was, ok girls, call me back.  I'm ready to get this party started.

So they called me back and as they lined me up on the table Darlene said, YEA!!! today is your last day.  I know isn't it awesome???  Then  Candy said, I have a song for you to listen.  It's special for you today.  So she started the song and it turns out that she played the graduation song for me.   I just laughed and had the biggest smile on my face.  Of course I couldn't move but that's cool, I was dancing in my head.

They actually had a few issues with the machine and I thought oh my gosh, I'm going to have to come back tomorrow for my final treatment.  But they finally got the machine to work and she restarted my graduation song.  The beam sounded longer than usual but I'm sure it wasn't.  I was just so anxious.    Finally it was over.  Candy and Darlene came back in the room.  They said CONGRATULATIONS JEN!!!  You did it!!!   A crazy amount of JOY just took over my body.  I'm beaming with delight.  They told me to see nurse Francis before I left because she had something for me.  And guess what she had???  A graduation photo and a diploma for me.  How FUN!!!   I was thinking in my head, wow, they didn't do any of this at the end of chemo. (which is a different location, doctor and nurses)   I 'm sure they do this for everyone but those 2 pieces of paper just meant so much to me.  An entire 8 months of my life was spent fighting cancer and these ladies and Dr. Moulds just made my day today.  I have a followup appointment in a month to see how my skin recovers from radiation cause right now I'm glowing like a light bulb and burnt to a crisp.   I have an appointment on March 20th with my Oncologist, Dr. Wilkinson and Surgeon, Dr. Purkertt so I guess the followups are now a beginning of a whole new journey.

So now I want to thank my wonderful radiation therapists who took great care of me for the last 31 days.  Thank you, thank you, thank you to Heather, Candy, Darlene, Rozelle, and Nurse Francis. 

I also want to thank all my wonderful friends and family for your continued support throughout this LONG process.  You guys all rock!  I know I never could have gotten through this without all of you.

As for my updates, I'll be posting random posts with thoughts and pictures on my blog.  I'll still send out an update here and there via e-mail but if you want the most current updated info, check out my blog.

 

LOVE TO YOU ALL!!!
Jen

Your hair looks great

So I went to my radiation treatment this morning.  When I scheduled it yesterday the radiation therapist said, I'll double book you to get you in earlier.  So this morning I made sure I got to my treatment a little earlier than I normally do.  And it worked.  I beat the 9:30 appointment.  She strolled in after me and when they called us back, I got the dressing room 1st.  All I was focused on was getting in and getting out.  Funny thing is when I went in the dressing room I went in with my wig.  When I came out I was sporting my super short hair.  After treatment when I walked back in the dressing room the lady said:
Her:  Wow, you're hair looks great.
Me:  Thank you
Her:  How long did it take to get that long?  You can actually wear it out in public.
Me:  Well, I finished chemo on November 22nd so I guess 3 months of growth.  It took a month before it really got filled in.  It was fuzzy for awhile.  And yes, I'm thinking about going out in public like this.  Just wish the weather would stay warm long enough.  I get cold so easily.
Her:  Yes, I know, my head is cold all the time.  Well, it looks great.  You should go out without your wig.
Me:  Thanks.

Well, that just made me feel like I was on cloud 9.  Then I got undressed in front of the mirror and saw more skin being burned off so sadden by this sight, I said, only 1 more Jen.  Hang in there.