Numb fingers and dying nails

I mentioned that my fingers and toes are tingly and numb.  Well I remember correctly, one side effect from chemo is fingernail and toenail issues.  It looks  like my nails are dying?  If that's really what it is.  I haven't really researched it enough but I think that's what's happening.   So, I'll spare you the grossness of my toes but here's what my thumbnails look like.  Luckily it's only my thumbnails and not any other fingers but I can't say the same for my toes.  I hope they all come back to normal soon. 

Nervous and Stressed

I'd be lying if I told you that I'm not nervous or stressing a little about tomorrow.  Doesn't help that the weather is doing freaky things right now, even though the weather forecaster said all this week (Monday - Friday) would be in the 50's. A little warmer than average.  It's suppose to be freezing rain tonight.  Now, during a commercial break I'm seeing that the Fed Gov is opening 2 hours late.  That never happens.  So I'm sure all schools will be either closed or delayed.  Thank goodness my appointment is tomorrow at 1pm. By then the temps should be above freezing and we should be good to go.

Anyway, I know radiation should be easy but it's the UNKNOWN that always gets me.  So nervous and starting to stress.  YIKES!

Radiation

Next week this time I will have completed 5 sessions of radiation.  I have mixed emotions.  I'm excited to start radiation to get it over with.  Kind of like, the faster you do it, the faster it will be over.  But the other side of me is afraid.  I know the girls in my cancer support group said compared to chemo, radiation is easy breezy.  But still, I can't help to wonder if and when I'm going to burn or get tired.  I've been in such a good mood the last few weeks.  My energy level is perfect.  Sure I haven't worked out yet but I get to play with my son and that makes me so happy.  The thought of having no energy makes me think of my chemo days and I hated those days.  Also, I'm not one to wish the year away but I can tell you that I will be wishing away the next 6 weeks which puts us in March.  I'm not a big fan of winter so I guess I don't mind skipping it and going straight to spring.  Anyway, I'll be posting about my 1st experience on Monday.   Fingers crossed that it's not so bad.

Severe Joint Pain

OK, so I don't have "HOT FLASHES" at the moment but do I need to get severe "JOINT PAIN" instead?  Man, these side effects are amazing.  Wish one away and a new one pops up.  I really hated the hot flashes but they weren't painful just you know, HOT!  They would come out of nowhere.  One minute I would be sitting around and the next, I'd be stripping (at home of course) wig, clothes and all.  CRAZY!

Now I'm getting severe joint pain.  Earlier this evening I was playing with little Cody on the floor.  So I'm sitting there watching him put a puzzle together.  When he was done.  I said lets put this one away and get another puzzle.  As I got up off the floor, I almost fell right back down.  It's like my joints stiffened up and I couldn't walk.  My knee joints were tight but it was where the thigh bone meets the pelvis that was causing me problems.  I'll have to look that up on google to make sure I'm explaining it correctly.  I know Dr. Wilkinson said this was normal but if it was severe to give her a call.  I'm going to have to monitor this.  I really don't want to give her a call but if I have to I will.  Maybe a little exercise will help.  Something I still need to get serious about.

*Side note*  A few days later and I noticed that my joints really stiffen up at night vs during the day.  It seems that as soon as it hits 5pm, I get stiff and it lasts until I go to bed.  Strange?

Hot Flashes

Is something going on here?  I haven't had a "HOT FLASH" in 2 weeks.  What does this mean?  Can this be a miracle?  Am I done with the pre-menopause part of the side effects?  Or will it come back?  Humm?

Revolution

Today I'm home from work and I happen to catch the new show "Revolution."  It's a health and lifestyle program on ABC.  In one segment, the show follows two sisters on their journey to loose weight.  In the process it talks not only about exercise, but better foods and their lifestyle choices such as saying NO to people by taking control of their decisions and rearranging their living room to not only give them space to work out but space to not encourage sitting around and eating.

I enjoy watching and seeing people accomplish goals that they set out for themselves.  As I sat here, I realized that I myself have not accomplished the goals that I have set out for myself this year.  Like everyone, I have good intentions but I always seem to have an excuse that stops me.  For example, we moved into our new house back in June 2011 and two weeks later I found my cancer.  Six weeks after we moved, I started chemo so we never really moved in.  Now, six months later,(after chemo and surgery) I have so many things to do.  I still have a few boxes to unpack and once unpacked, where does it all go?  I have rooms to organize, pictures to hang, kitchen shelves to line, filing, furniture to buy, and so much more.  I also have a very active 4 year old who requires my constant attention all the time.  He's an only child and I'm his entertainment.  So on days like today when I'm off from work I find myself motivated but yet overwhelmed.  How to you tackle new projects when there's always regular household chores like laundry, dishes, cooking and cleaning to do?  And that work out to loose weight that I would love to do tends to fall by the way side since I'm so tired.  The thought of getting everything done before radiation starts is a loosing battle.  I have way to many things to do and now only 6 days left before six weeks of radiation I'm never going to get it done.  So of course writing a list of things to do is the most obvious but will I ever be able to cross something off the list?

I have my own revolution to figure out. 

Update # 19

Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, but.......  I DO !!!  I'm absolutely thrilled right now.  My hair on my head is finally growing in and my brows are too.  YEA!

2 weeks ago:
Monday, January 2, 2012
I must admit, it's been rough.  Ever since I found out I had breast cancer back in July, the last 6 months have been nothing but a roller coaster ride and I had to visually watch myself transform in to a completely different person.  Every stage of the transformation I was somewhat prepared for except the last which was loosing my eyelashes and eyebrows.  I took a class back in December called look good, feel better.  It was all about makeup and how to adjust to the changes in your face, skin, etc.  The cosmopologist suggested that we all take a close up picture of our face to capture the true shape of our eyebrows.  That way, when the eyebrows fall out you have a visual guide of how to draw them back in.  I looked in the mirror and thought to myself, huh, 2 weeks after chemo and I still have my brows and lashes.  I'm all good.  But wouldn't you know it, 2 weeks later they were gone.  Well, not completely gone until just recent when the very last brow hair was hanging on for dear life until this morning when I woke up and it was gone.  I should have taken a photo of how I looked with no brows but I was devastated and just couldn't.  I knew my appearance was changing but it wasn't till I saw some recent photos of me that I really realized how awful I looked.  I just wasn't prepared for this new look.  To many tears made me realize that it was time.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Tonight I finally went to a Breast Cancer support group.  I had to.  I couldn't stand what was happening to me and I needed to talk to people who knew what I was going through.  You know, the girls who had "so been there and done that."   And you know what?  It was GREAT!!!  I met other women just like me but at different stages in the breast cancer process, me of course being the newest to the club with just getting surgery a few weeks back.  They were interested in hearing all about me and my journey.   I told them my story and heard some of theirs.   These women had so much knowledge.  They knew exactly what triple negative breast cancer was yet I barely understood what type of breast cancer each of them had.  It's such a learning process and every woman that had cancer had a different experience with it.  We talked about side effects, hair loss, support system (this is where I got to brag about all of you) and I got to hear a little about some of their radiation experiences which they all said compared to chemo, radiation is easy breezy.  So of course that made me smile until one of them mentioned that it burned threw 4 layers of her skin.  OUCH!  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I won't blister or burn to bad.  Since we touched upon the subject briefly I really have no idea how long each woman's radiation treatments were so I really don't know how my experience will be.   I left this meeting feeling really good about myself and it truly made me realize that I'm so glad I did this.  It was the fastest most informative 1 1/2 hours I've had in a long time.  This group meets monthly and I'm already looking forward to seeing them next month. 

Saturday, January 7th and 8th, 2012
This weekend I'm starting to see little hairs coming back on my brows.  Let me tell you how happy this is making me.  It's just a matter of time before I'll want to get them waxed.  Ha-ha!  But seriously, loosing my brows was the most upsetting thing that's happened to my appearance recently.  To see them growing back in makes me feel like I'm coming back to life.  Now if I can get a little color back in my skin too.   I know, I'm pushing it.  Baby steps Jen, baby steps.

So getting back to the beginning of this e-mail about Fuzzy Wuzzy and me of course.  Now that it's Jan. 17th, the hair on my head is really starting to grow in nicely.  It's actually not peach fuzz anymore, it's baby soft and more of my natural color (brown) is coming in.  Not only am I thrilled but I'm so happy about not being bald anymore.  The more hair I get, the warmer my head is and now that it's chilly out, more hair would be a huge perk.  I'm attaching 2 photos of the back of my head.   Sorry about the blurriness of the bald headed photo.  I guess the camera didn't like what it was seeing and didn't want to focus on my head.  Of course I didn't notice the blurriness until I downloaded it a few weeks later.   Although I'm bummed I don't have a better photo for memories, I'm certainly not going to recreate the photo by buzzing off what I have now.  That would be crazy and I'm not crazy yet.  I want to keep my new hair.

XOXO Jen

Bald photo dated 11/8/2011

Hair photo dated 1/8/2012

Surgery - 1 month ago

It's so hard to believe that 1 month ago I had surgery.  Man, what a scary and long day that was.  Looking at my 3 surgical wounds, I'm pleased to say that they are all healing nicely. 

Symptoms?

Last Thursday I started to feel a little off at work and by Friday I wasn't feeling great.  So I called Dr. Wilkinson to see what meds I could take to get rid of this cold.  If you remember, right before my last chemo appointment, I got sick.  I was so worried that my white blood counts would be to low to get my last chemo treatment so I called the doc and they gave me a special chemo approved prescription.  Well now that I've been chemo free for 6 weeks now, I thought can I actually get regular over the counter meds?  Well, I can and she recommended Musinex D.  So I rushed over to the store and wouldn't you know it I had to get it from the pharmacy?  Whatever.  Anyway, today is Wednesday and I'm still taking it and I still have my cold.  I wonder if I need to move on to some stronger meds.  I really need to shake this.  I really don't want Ken and Cody getting sick.  I have 12 days before I start radiation treatments and I think it's important that I'm healthy.  So fingers crossed.

Anyway, while I have been under the weather I haven't had one hot flash and I'm really happy about that. 

Photo book or Scrap book?

For a while now, I've been thinking about how I want to document my journey on paper.  I have a ton of photos, cards, and inspirational e-mails but I'm just not sure which one I want to do.  A photo book or a scrap book?  Photo books are easy and I've done a few but I'm not sure I will like the size and page layouts the company provides.  I want a page specifically for text where I can put my updates and have a page to post photos that correspond to that update.    I've never done a scrap book and wonder if it would turn into a bigger project that I would want.  Is it worth the money to buy scrapbook supplies for one book?   I've always wanted to make a few books for Cody but I'm wondering if photo books are the way to go?  I love my scrapbook that my friend Laura made me for my wedding.  It's awesome!!

I still have some pondering to do.  Anyone have any suggestions? 
Thanks

Update # 18, Doctors galore

It's been 3 weeks since I had surgery and I can't believe how fast time has gone by.   My wounds have healed nicely and even though my left underarm where the doc removed the lymph nodes is still tender I can raise my arm which is important for radiation. 

Tuesday, December 27th - Appt with Dr. Purkert (Surgeon)
Gave me the run down on how my surgery went and discussed the pathology report (which is a detailed summary of exactly what was done during surgery)  I had a lumpectomy, a sentinel lymph node biopsy and of course the removal of my port.  Turns out I had 5 lymph nodes removed and everything was negative for cancer.  He was very pleased with the outcome and so am I!!!     Dr. Purkert then did a quick look over and although my wounds look ugly to me, he said they were healing beautifully.  So of course that made me smile. I'm still swollen and sore but I've been really careful not to interrupt the healing process.  Next appt. is in 6-8 weeks.

Wednesday, December 28th - Appt with Dr. Moulds (Radiologist)
He too reviewed my pathology report and examined my surgical wounds.    He was very impressed with how my body reacted to chemo and was happy with my pathology report and how my body handled the surgery.  He had me raise my arm to see my mobility and then discussed the side effects of radiation which included possible redness/burns and fatigue.  I hope I don't get tired because I'm really enjoying being somewhat normal again but we'll just have to see how my body reacts to the radiation and as always, I'll keep you all posted. 

Saturday, December 31st - Ring in the hope 10K/5K race and 1k walk.
So proud of myself.  This morning Cody and I walked the 1K.   I know 1K is not a big deal but for someone who just a few months ago was lying on the couch all day in a vegetative state,  it felt great.  To me, it's a start.  A start of something big.  I feel like I'm gaining control of my life again and it feels so good.  Seeing all those people line up at the starting line made me think of all the races I ran in Phoenix years ago.  It motivated me.  And although I didn't run this one(so not ready for that yet) I walked that 1K and I'm so glad I did. It really got my heart pumping.   But in all reality, Cody and I walked from our house to the race, then walked home so I actually did a little more than a 1K but who's keeping track?  I AM!!!    I took a few photos that I will post to my blog (http://jenniferkile.blogspot.com) when I get a chance. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!!

Monday, January 2nd, 2012 - Appt with Heather (Radiology Therapist)
Heather is my new BFF.  Ha-ha, not really but she was so personable and informative that I feel like she will make radiation treatments more bearable.  Today she gave me a CT scan and 3 tattoos.  Yup I got 3 tattoos.  Not the normal kind you think of when you hear people say I got a tattoo.  They're actually small pen sized dots on my left and right side and one on my chest.  While I was in the CT scan she used beams to line me up.  She then marked my skin in 3 spots with an X.  While I was lying there she cleaned my skin and pricked me quickly with a needle to tattoo me.  This is so they can line me up perfectly every time I get radiation.  I certainly didn't enjoy the needle but compared to chemo nothing I do will ever be that bad so I took it like a champ.  Radiation begins
Monday - Friday, January 23rd -  March 5th. 

Tuesday, January 3rd, 2012 - Dr. Wilkinson (Oncologist)
Just a general appointment to see how I'm doing now that I'm been off chemo for 6 weeks.  Yes, 6 weeks.  I'm shocked too and so thrilled but the side effects are still hanging in their.  I asked her the following questions:

My joints are stiff. Sometimes it's hard to walk up the stairs or get out of my chair after sitting too long. 
All normal unless it's a major pain in a specific area then call us. 

My toes are still tingling/numb and some of my fingernails and toenails are dying. 
The numbness is normal.  The fingernails and toenails will either grow out or fall off.   (Hopefully grow out I thought)

The hot flashes are terrible.  They're still really bad and happen a few times during the day/night
Normal.  (Since everyone is different she can't tell me when if ever the hot flashes will end.)

I'm upset with the loss of my eyebrows.
It's normal to loose them.  Don't worry, they will grow back soon.   (I'm not to thrilled with that response but what can I do?  Keep penciling them in I guess.)

Dr. Wilkinson told me to continue to eat healthy foods that offer plenty of vitamins, drink more water, milk and EXERCISE.  All I'm guilty of not doing 100%.  I know, I need to get my act together.   

Speaking of exercise and still motivated from my 1K walk, I bought the Pussy Cat dolls dancers body work out video to try to loose those darn 15 pounds I gained during chemo.  I don't know what I was thinking.  While I appreciate their sexy moves and plan to get them down to a T, I can't not move my body like that right now due to my recovery.  So I'll just sit and watch those skinny little girls in those teeny tiny outfits and patiently wait a few more weeks while I recover.  Until then, I'll walk on the treadmill or find some other low impact workout.  Anyone got any suggestions?

Thanks again for all your awesome support in 2011.  I can't believe I made it through the last 6 months but I know without all of you there's no way I would have been so strong.   You're encouraging words meant so much and without you all, fighting cancer would have been a lot tougher.  I still have a few more months to go but I know I'm on the downhill side of this journey and even though the fight is not as fierce as it was, I'm still not giving up.  

Lots of love, Jen

Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year everyone!!!
Let's hope 2012 is a Happy and Healthy year for everyone.


Everyone makes New Year's Resolutions.  So I decided why not make some of my own.