Ringing in the Hope

This morning Cody and I walked a 1K walk in the Ringing in the Hope 5K/10K/1K fun walk.  I'm so proud of myself.  I know 1K is not a big deal but for someone who just a few months ago was lying on the couch all day,  it felt great.  To me, it's a start.  A start of something big.  I feel like I'm gaining control of my life again and it feels good.  Seeing all those people line up at the starting line made me think of the days I use to run races in Phoenix.  It motivated me.  Although I didn't run (so not ready for that with my wounds) I walked the 1K and it felt good.  In fact, Cody and I walked from our house to the race, and walked home.  I took a few photos that I will post later when I download them off my camera.  
The entire day was nice.  Not only was the weather awesome, after the race, Cody played on the neighbors jungle gym.  He loves swinging on the swings.  Then the neighbors came out.  We chatted for a bit.  It was so nice.  

A few hours later, my friend Jenny and her family John, Alyssa, and Delaney came to visit us all the way from Richmond.  They were in town visiting in Arlington and decided to swing by our house.  It was the best visit and it's been a long time since I've seen them.  We had a nice time talking while Cody, Alyssa and Delaney played.  Cody enjoyed showing the girls his playroom and toys.  I hated to see them go but with a 2 hour drive, they had to hit the road.  I told Jenny when I get past my radiation I'd like to plan a trip to Richmond to spend time with them.  

Cody gave little Delaney a kiss on the cheek goodbye.  It was so cute.  But of course I talked him into giving her one.  He was shy at first but when no one was looking that's when he made his move.    Totally cute. 

 Ready for the walk

Walking ahead of mom

Random people

Me and Cody

Why is this happening?

I'm devistated.  So not prepared for the loss of my eyebrows.  5 weeks after chemo is over and my brows are falling out like my hair did 5 months ago.  It's just the weirdest thing.  On Dec 12th I went to a class called Look good, feel better.  The lady specifically talked about penciling in eyebrows.  She told us to take a photo of what our brows looked like so when they fall out, we'll know the shape of them and how to pencil them in.  I thought to myself, no need to worry.  Mine are still with me.  I figured if I'd loose them it would certainly be while I was on Taxol.  But they're still here so no worries.  You'd think I would have gotten the clue when my eyelashes started to thin out.  I don't know why I didn't think my brows would go next.  I guess I didn't do enough research cause before you know it, one day I had my eyebrows the next they were majorly thinning out.  Now I just have a few strands left.  I thought it was hard to loose the hair on my head but let me tell you, wigs can hide a bald head.  Nothing can hide no eyebrows and I'm really having a tough time accepting that they are almost gone.  So, not only did I gain 15 pounds.  My face is fat, my stomach is big, I have barely any eyelashes and eysbrows and I'm super pale.  I seriously look sick.  What happened to me?  Oh, that's right, I had cancer.  The docs said it's gone so why do I look like crap?  And I have 6 weeks of radiation coming up.  Ok, I'm happy to be alive but it's so difficult to watch myself go through this transformation.  I've decided that it might be time to finally join a cancer support group.  I have the best support group a girl could ask for but I need one where women understand what I'm going through or who have been there and done that.  Cause right now, I think I need someone to tell me everything is going to be ok. 

Tough day

Today I had an appointment with the Dr. Purkert.  I drove to Rt 50 in Fairfax.  It was raining and dreary out.  My appointment was quick but good news.  My pathology report showed no signs of cancer in any of the samples the doctor took from me.  He also ended up taking out 5 lymph nodes so that makes sense why my underarm hurts so much.  I just can't believe how tender my entire arm is.  The outer, under and around my chest is completely numb.  But at least all my wounds are healing nicely and my recovery was much quicker than I expected.

After my appointment I decided to drive over to my sister's house.  Mom was at her house and I thought it would be nice for the 3 of us to meet up and have lunch.  Before I went over, I stopped at Bella Donna Salon.  Ken bought me a gift card for spa services earlier this year for my 40th Birthday.  I love going to the spa and getting pampered but I never got to use it because right after I got it in February, we bought the house so I spent all my time and energy in moving.  Then as you know I found my cancer 2 weeks after moving into our new house.  So once I started Chemo I wasn't allowed to get massages or mani's and pedi's.  I thought since I can't go during radiation I might as well ask the salon if I can get a refund.  If not, the gift card expires in Feb and I'll loose the entire spa experience.
So I stopped by.  I didn't think it would be a big deal but unfortunately it was.  They were jammed packed.  Women were all over getting mani's and pedi's.  I walked up and asked them if I could get a refund because I have cancer and the doctor said I can't have any of the services done right now.  The manager agreed and said that was absolutely no problem.  Normally salons don't give refunds but I was looking really harsh today and I think she could see it by my appearance.  Unfortunately, I've been upset about my apprearance lately and I started crying in the salon.  I'm looking around at all these women all dolled up with their hair done so nice and getting pampered.  I just couldn't help feeling ugly and somewhat feeling sorry for myself.  After visiting with Dr. Purkert, you'd think I would be happy about what he said and how good I did at surgery and how pleased they are with my progress but I guess being a female, how can you not think about your appearance?  Anyway, I was a crying mess when I got over to my sisters house. 

Eventually I got over it and we went to lunch.  I enjoy hanging out with mom and Wendy and it was good therapy to see them. 

Since it was still raining, I figured I better get on the road.  Even though the holidays are still here and traffic is good, you just never know in this town when you'll get stuck in traffic because most of the time it's always. 

Frustrated

I know it's only 2 days before Christmas but I can't help to be slightly frustrated today.  My arm is killing me from the surgery.  It's swollen, bruised and stings a bit.  I just realized last night when I was putting lotion on my feet that my left big toenail is dying.  This is really stressing me out because that is the same toe I had an ingrown nail a few years back.  It seems like last year I finally recovered from it and was able to actually paint it but now I'm concerned that if the nail falls out am I'm going to get another ingrown?  Well,  I guess my dying toenail matches my dying left thumbnail.  And of course last but not least, not only do I barely have any eyelashes, I now just noticed that my left eyebrow is missing a whole lot of brow.  Why is the entire left side of my body going wacky?  I've been off chemo for 1 full month now.  The hair on my head has been growing in but I wonder if this is just a joke and it will all fall out or maybe the left side of my hair will fall out and the right side will stay.  I know, sounds stupid but what can I say, I'm a bit frustrated. 

Another one lost the battle

I always thought that cancer was evil.  It didn't matter who you were or how old you were it could strike at any moment.  A good friend of mine  lost his wife just 2 months ago to cancer.  She was only in her mid 40's.  Just too young.  I always supported the Susan G. Komen foundation and this year, just  a few months ago, I was diagnosed with cancer.  Where does this disease come from?  How did I get it?  Why did I find my lump and others didn't find theirs?  It's all a big unknown.

Now, I'm more aware when people pass from cancer.  Today I just happened to see an article on Yahoo about a Venezuelan model that lost her battle to breast cancer.   She was only 27 years old.  The article just slapped me in the face and saddened my heart.   Last month I was told that I was in remission.  This month I had surgery and was told that it was a success but hearing this story about this young woman just makes me realize that life is so precious and that I'm so lucky that I found my cancer when I did and that it wasn't too late.   

Update # 17, Surgery

December 14th
The day has finally come.  I had mixed feelings about it.  Part of me was afraid and the other part just wanted this over with.  I kept trying to tell myself that surgery has to be easier than chemo.  It's only one day and if all goes well, you should recover quickly.  Chemo was 16 weeks of torture.  Not only were you sick but you watched yourself physically transform.  Surgery is one step closer to beating cancer.  So I was as ready as I could be.  We had to be at the hospital at 6:30am.   So here we go.

My 1st appointment was at 8:00am.  I had to get a nuclear dye injection.  The dye would gravitate to the lymph nodes leading the surgeon to the ones he wanted to take a sample of.    I signed in and the female behind the desk made a comment about the injection hurting.  What?  Of course, being as stressed as I was,  I have no idea what conversations took place between me and any staff at the hospital.  But in this particular situation, I must have asked her if the procedure hurt and I can't believe that she actually said yes so of course I was slightly freaking out.  When they took me back the doctor explained to me that I would get 4 needles in my left breast each depositing a small amount of nuclear dye.  This will be done without any numbing meds.  Can I tell you getting pricked 4 times in your breast really hurts.  And the dye hurt too.  I was yelping and whimpering.  Ken was holding my hand but he just couldn't take the pain away.  Luckily it was rather quick. 

My next appointment was at 9:00am.  This was a needle placement.  It sounds horrible and it was but at least they numbed my breast this time.  The nurse placed my breast in a mammogram machine.  (OUCH!) While there, she took several photos to document the micro chip that was placed there when Dr. Simm did a biopsy a few months back.  (Starting to cry)  She then numbed my breast, took a needle and ran a wire through the needle all the way to the micro chip.  The doc said this is like a map to the lump which will guide the surgeon during surgery.  Not only is the surgeon going to take a sample of where the cancer was, he's going to remove the micro chip.  They took a few more photos and then taped the wire to my chest so my hospital gown didn't rub it.  Ken was not in the room for this procedure which we thought was odd. 

Finally I was sent to the pre-op room.   The nurses gave me liquids through an IV.  Yup, gotta love the IV.   They went over my medical records asking me if I was allergic to anything, what procedure I was getting, my name, birth date, etc.  I answered all questions.   Seemed like I laid there forever.  I even dozed off a few times.  My stomach was growling.  I hadn't eaten anything since last night.   On our way to the hospital we must of past 50 restaurants all filled with people eating breakfast.
All I could think about was food.   My surgery was suppose to be at 11:00am but no one came to get me.  Ken and I assumed that the surgeon was running behind schedule since we did hear he was already in surgery this morning.  Finally around noon tons of people showed up.  They all introduced themselves to me.  It was all so fast and the next thing I know the surgeon came in to check on me.  It was just about that time.  Nerves kicked in again and the tears were rolling out of my eyes.  They gave me some tissues and told me to say goodbye to Ken.  Off they took me down the hallway as I watched the lights in the ceiling go by.  They wheeled me in to the surgery room and  had me get off the gurney to lie on the operating table. A nurse waved to me and the next thing I know, I'm in the recovery room. 

I'm so groggy.  My eyes opened slightly and I could see a lady across from me and a lady next to me.  These are tiny little rooms with curtains that separate us but for some reason all our curtains were open.  I have no idea what time it was.  I heard the nurse talk to me.  I told her I didn't feel good.  All of the sudden I started to throw up.  But nothing came out.  She gave me ice chips and called for someone to bring me nausea medicine.  I tried to mumble that I was hungry, that's why I was sick but I was so out of it.  So with the nausea meds, back to sleep I went. 

I heard them call Ken in to be with me but I just couldn't snap out of it.  I heard Ken talking to the doctor but I just couldn't understand a word they were saying.  Eventually, whoever was tending to me gave me crackers and some ginger ale since I was starving.  I started coming out of my daze and they finally released me at 5pm.  I was ready to leave.  They told Ken to bring the car around to the front of the building but the volunteers who were wheeling me out took me to a different area so it took us a while to find Ken.   If I had the energy and strength I would have gotten up and found him myself.  Finally we got on the road at 5:30pm right during rush hour so it took us about a hour to get home. 

This was a long day.  From what Ken told me, Dr. Purkert said from the samples he took, they were all cancer free.  He did take 2 entire lymph nodes and even though those lymph nodes showed no cancer present, the doctor felt they were just to suspicious to leave them in.  The entire surgery lasted about 2 hours and because it was minor surgery, I got stitches and glue.  Thank goodness!!!

So now, 6 days later, I'm recovering nicely.  Out of the 3 wounds, most of my pain is under my arm where the lymph nodes were removed.   I meet with Dr. Purkert next Tuesday for a look over and to discuss the pathology report.  But as of now, my surgery was a SUCCESS!!!!

Thanks you for your encouraging e-mails.
XOXO Jen

Today is the day

On my way to surgery.

Thanks to everyone who called, e-mailed and texted me well wishes.  It really meant a lot.

Update # 16, Chemo # 12

Hello everyone,
It's been a while since I've sent out an update e-mail and what's crazy is you'd think I'd send this one out immediately because I'm just so darn HAPPY!!!   But with Thanksgiving just 2 days after my chemo appointment, I kind of lost track of time and now 3 weeks later, I'm finally getting around to sending it.   So this is my update.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011
What time is it????  It's chemo time and the best news of all.  It's my LAST ONE!!!!  You don't know how happy I am.  Well let me tell you.  EXTREMELY HAPPY!!!  I was so worried at first.  I was sick over the weekend and when I finally called the nurse for the "chemo approved" meds yesterday I thought gosh, I hope I didn't wait to long.  I really thought this cold was going to weaken my immune system that I wouldn't be able to get my last chemo treatment.  Without that treatment my surgery would have to be postponed.  And I certainly didn't want that to happen.  So I took the meds yesterday and man, they kicked that cold's butt.  I still have a cough but I felt so good today. 
Before my chemo, Ken and I met with Dr. Wilkinson.  I let her know that I had taken the Z-pack and she smiled and said good.  She listened to my heart and lungs and did a quick breast check.  She talked to us about what Dr. Moulds (radiation doc) had discussed with her.  They and the surgeon are all in agreement on my surgery procedure.  I'll just be so glad to get this all over with.  

So after my visit with the doctor it was time for chemo.  Nurse Tonya checked my white blood count and it was good enough to get my last round of Taxol.  2 hours later and all I can say is HAL* LE* LU* JAH!!!  I'm DONE!!!  Chemo is OVER!!!   I'll miss Nurse Tonya but I'm so glad that I won't have to see her again until I come back for routine checkups with Dr. Wilkinson.  I still have surgery and radiation but the hardest part is finally OVER!!

Speaking of surgery, it's tomorrow and I have to admit that I'm a little nervous but who wouldn't be, right?  Dr. Purkett told me what to expect but I can't help to worry just a little.  I have to be at the hospital at 6:30am which means leaving the house at 5:30am.  At 8am I get the needle placement.  Apparently this will guide the doctor to where the tumor was.  At 9am I get a nuclear dye injection which the dye should gravitate toward cancerous cells if any are present.   At 11am surgery begins.  Since I'm in remission, Dr. Purkett is only taking a small piece of where my tumor was and a small piece of my left lymph node.  The samples will be checked for cancer under a microscope while I'm still under.  Fingers crossed that I'm cancer free.  Lastly, my mediport will be removed which makes me very happy.  This thing, although good for me has definitely wore out it's welcome.   I'm hoping that all goes well and that I'll have a quick recovery. 
In the next few weeks, I plan to continue sending you all e-mail updates regarding my recovery from surgery and my radiation treatments.    If you're interested in checking out my blog (http://jenniferkile.blogspot.com) I have added new updates and I will be posting some additional photos.    I did post a short video message titled "A Big Thank You" to you all.   Ken took the video of me while I was getting my last chemo treatment.   Just keep in mind when you see the video that I was still a little sick so my voice was a little scratchy, I was tired and I look terrible. 

Lots of love to you all,
XOXO Jen

Look good, Feel better

Tonight I went to the Reston Hospital for a class called Look Good, Feel Better.  It's a free class that the American Cancer Society offers to help women learn about the physical changes that cancer does to them and how they can take their life back by feeling better about themselves.  I've tried to get in  this class for several months now with no luck.  Most of the time, I was focusing on the Fairfax location, not knowing that Reston had a class too.  When I went to meet Dr. Moulds (radiation doc) I saw a flyer for this class and thought, I better call since I need major help.  I called and luckily they did have open spots so I signed up. 

I wanted to go to this class for 2 reasons.  One, this was a makeup class and I wanted to learn about different makeup that I could put on my face that would bring me somewhat back to the person I looked like before.  My eye lashes have fallen out, my brows have thinned, my face is pale and dry and of course I have no hair.  I want to find a face cream that doesn't burn my face, that hydrates my skin and take away the dryness.  I want to learn if I can wear fake eye lashes or will that hinder the growth of mine.  But my biggest reason for going is I want to see who else attends the class.  Will the women be old or young?  Will they all have breast cancer?  Will they look like me or are they just beginning their journey?  What would I learn from them that I don't already know? 

So I went.  I was the 1st one there.  Slowly, others showed up.  There were only 4 of us total.  We all introduced ourselves and started telling each other our story.   One lady was probably in her upper 50's to low 60's.  She was real nice and was just diagnosed with breast cancer so she had a ton of questions for us.  One lady looked young but had a 8 year old.  She was practicing to be a doctor and was interviewing currently at different hospitals for residency.  She has a family history of breast cancer in  and had just talked to her OBGYN about getting a double mastectomy before the cancer got her.  Unfortuntely when she went for her mammogram just a few months ago, the cancer was already there so she had her double mastectomy 6 weeks ago and was getting ready for chemo.  I couldn't tell how old the other lady was.  She was crying because everything was weighing on her.  She had a double mastectomy as well and had already undergone 2 chemo treatments.  She lost all her hair but 2 strands in the front of her hair that she styled so cute under her hat.  She was just beside herself and apologized for her crying.  I told her that there was no need to appologize.  So many of us have been in her position and I told her that I just cried the other day at work when they took a picture of me with my wig for a badge.  The photo was awful and now I have a constant reminder of the way I look everyday.   She smiled.  I told her, it will get better and you will get stronger.

I wasn't impressed with the cosmetician.  She just pretty much showed us the makeup and gave us a few tips on how to use it but in those 2 hours I feel like the four of us bonded.  I felt so different tonight.  Like I finally met others who were sharing the same thing I was going through.  And even though I knew I would never see them again, I was happy that I got to meet them and hear about them.  At the end, we all went our separate ways.   I did end up in the elevator with the older lady.  She said I was an inspiration to her.  She told me I was so positive and strong.  I told her I've had months to process this but also I wanted to live and when you want to live you become stronger than you could ever imagine.

Love my co-workers

I know this might sound silly but it wasn't silly to me. I had to go get my picture taken for an ID badge at work today.  It was totally unexpected and when my co-worker told me I panicked.  I don't want to take a photo.  I look so bad.   I know I've been taking photos of myself throughout my cancer stages but only I have seen the photos and only I have seen my transformation from cute Jen to old and worn out Jen.  It's sad to see how my eyes are so tired and my face is so pale.  But my co-workers don't see it.  They see Jen.  They can't see the changes I see.  But now it's being captured on a badge for work.  A constant reminder every time I look at it.  I just wasn't prepared for this today.

So I took the photo and the man said take a look, do you like it or would you like another.  It was absolutely horrible.  I told him it's fine and it didn't matter.  In fact, It wasn't fine and neither was I.  I walked out of the room with tears rolling down my cheeks and that's when my co-workers Jen and Barb comforted me.  They reassured me that the photo was fine and that in a few months I can get it re-taken.  I appreciated their support but my feelings were already hurt.  It's just a reality I wasn't ready to face.

When we finally got back to the office I asked my other co-worker Stephanie if she wanted to join me for lunch. I was going to eat alone but I thought, no, I want company.    We ended up going to the mall.  Her good company and being at the mall helped me escape my earlier drama.  And of course buying a few items at the store for myself made me feel so much better.

Like I said, maybe this sounds silly to you but it's not to me.   I don't look like myself and I don't feel like myself and today was the 1st day in a while that I actually got upset about the situation.  Besides, a girl's allowed to have a down day once in a while.

Thanks to my wonderful co-workers: Jen, Barb and Stephanie for perking me back up. XOXO

Hot flashes vs. numb toes

I don't know what's worse HOT FLASHES or NUMB TOES.  It's a toss up.  The hot flashes come and go at any time of the day or night.  One minute I'm freezing and the next I'm stripping and fanning myself.  It's a vicious cycle.  But the numb toes are numb all the time.  Just tingly and now that the weather is colder out my toes are like in a frozen state.  It's so hard to explain but if my toes feel cold then my entire body is cold and I just can't seem to get warm unless I have a HOT FLASH.    When I'm at work, I take my shoes off and wear slippers.  I know, sounds kind of gross but my numb toes can not handle any kind of dress shoe or boot.  So imagine how sexy I look at work in business clothes and bedroom slippers.  Luckily I sit at my desk most of the day and if I have to run to the restroom outside my office, I put my work shoes back on. 

So I'm thinking the numb toes get the vote on what's worse because this symptom never goes away.

Another compliment

So I went to Starbucks today and I was feeling rather frumpy.  Katie was working.  She's such a nice girl and she loves it when we bring Cody in.  So while she was making my hot chocolate she said to me, you're hair looks so cute today.  I love it.  Thanks I said back with a smile.  :)

I was wearing my blonde short wig with a hat and her compliment made my day.

Numb toes, fingernails and now my legs?

One of the side effects of Taxol that I experienced is numb finger nails and toes.  At first the finger nails bothered me.  But it's actually the toes that bother me more now.  It's like they are in a constant state of being asleep.  It's so weird.  But today I've noticed that my legs are getting stiff too.   It's like my joints are getting tougher and tougher to move and bend.    I know that Dr. Wilkinson said that some symptoms would stay with me for awhile but I didn't expect to gain a symptom.  I was hoping to get rid of them.