Side effects

The joys of side effects. I was hoping they'd start to go away but I guess not.  Today my toes are so numb. Well there is a tingly sensation where they almost feel like they are asleep but their not. 

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks and I'm so thankful for all my friends and family and most of all, I'm so Thankful to be ALIVE!!!

Ken and I spent Thanksgiving with Ken's family.  It was also nice seeing and spending time with Ken's brother Rick and his family, Christine, Tracy and Ethan.   Since having my last chemo treatment on Tuesday I was a little tired today.  So I don't recall if I actually thanked Eleanor for her wonderful meal and for all her help. 

I'm thankful for Eleanor and Ron for all your help during the last few months taking me to chemo, watching Cody so I could rest, cooking meals for us, and helping me with chores around the house. It really meant a lot to me and I really appreciate you both.

I'm thankful for my mom Norma and sister Wendy who also took me to my chemo treatments.  Even if I was sleeping during treatment, it was so nice to know that you both were there.  Thanks to mom for also helping around the house when you came to visit.

I'm thankful for my husband Ken who has also taken me to a few chemo treatments.  Having you there with me made me feel safe and I'm so glad that you are the one to share this journey with me.

I'm thankful for my friends and extended family who have supported me through e-mails, letters, phone calls, and cards.  I'm so lucky to have each and every one of you who has touched my life.  I know I've said this over and over but the support you guys gave me really DID get me through all my chemo treatments.  Cancer in general is such shocking news and the way you all rallied around me meant more than you can ever believe.

I'm thankful for my wonderful little boy Cody.  He is my ROCK.  My biggest supporter.  He is so young and witnessed his mom transform from a vibrant young woman to an old looking bald woman.  He has never once called me ugly or ran from me.  He hugs me, kisses me, and constantly compliments me on a daily basis.  I'm amazed and often wonder why.  Wonder what does he see when he looks at me because when I look in the mirror I don't see myself.  I see ugliness.  But his compliments keep me going and his support for me is overwhelming and I love him so much for that.
He truly is the best little boy a mom could ever ask for.
 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE !!!

Last Chemo treatment

You have no idea how thrilled and excited I am right now.  16  L O N G  weeks and it's finally over !!! 

 LAST ONE !!!!

A BIG THANK YOU!!!

Update # 15, Chemo # 11

It's that time again...chemo time.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Ken and I had an appointment with my Radiologist, Dr. Moulds.  Our appointment was at 8:45am and by the time we actually saw the doctor it was around 10:30am.  I must admit, I was getting a little annoyed waiting that long but I didn't realize that he was spending all that time reviewing my medical records.    He proceeded to tell me my entire history of the last 4 months which he all had correct. He discussed his concerns for my lymph nodes and said he was going to recommend that the surgeon take part of one lymph node out to examine it for cancer cells.  He said even though they were negative in the biopsy a few months back, one lymph node was just to suspicious to let it go.  He also said, if all is negative for cancer,     2 - 3 weeks after I recover from surgery ( I have to be able to hold my arm above my head) I will be scheduled for 6 weeks of radiation treatments, 5 days a week.  Everyday?  Wow, that really shocked me.  He also went over how they were going to radiate me and the side effects.  Luckily it won't be anything like chemo.   He did say I should get a little sunburned and since the lump was on my left breast they have to radiate a part of the heart and lung.  So I could have side effects down, down, down the road but no one really knows because everybody reacts to treatment differently.   So time will only tell but for now, I'm just happy to be alive.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Chemo day - I can't believe it's almost over.  After all these months of going to chemo, today was the 1st day I actully talked to a fellow woman who was in the lobby waiting with me.  I don't know what I said but I said something to Eleanor and the woman giggled.  I thought to myself, oh I've got a live one here so I decided to chat and ask her a few questions.  It was so nice to talk to someone like me.  She said she started her chemo in August (like me) and also said it was really tough to loose her hair.  She said she was a school teacher on a leave of absence because she's not suppose to be around her students (to many germs).  I really enjoyed talking to her and I was wanting to learn more.  But nurse Tonya showed up to take me back to my room.  As I walked away I said, my last one is next week....YEA!!!  She said congrats, I have chemo till mid January.  Oh, my heart sunk for her.   I'd personally hate to have chemo till January but you do what you have to do to be healthy again.  So I consider myself lucky.  Not only is my chemo almost over but my lump is gone and I can't ask for more than that.

Blood counts were good so onward with chemo!

Wednesday - Sunday (November 16th - 20th)

A rough week.  For some reason I'm really tired and S...L...O...W....  Of course I have my theories.  I have 11 chemo treatments in my body and I'm just plain worn out or Cody has been sick and I think I might have caught a little something from him.  I called the nurse at my chemo office and told her my throat was scratchy and a little swollen so she prescribed me some chemo approved meds since I can't take anything over the counter.  The next day my throat felt better so I was afraid to take unnecessary meds so I called back and she said hold off on them.  So in the mean time I've been sleeping more than usual, trying to keep myself somewhat healthy because I need my white blood counts to stay up otherwise I might not be able to receive my last chemo meds and that worries me a bit.

Friday, November 18, 2011

On a side note:  Cody had his 4 year doctor appointment today.  It was a quick in and out visit but I just wanted to mention that he's 39.8 lbs and 41 1/2 inches tall.  I swore he weighed more since he feels like a ton of bricks when we lift him up.  He has to be 40 pounds to go from a car seat to a booster so even though he's close we're going to keep him in the car seat for a few more months.

Monday, November 21, 2011
Looks like I'm sick.  I guess I'll be calling the nurse today to see if I should start the chemo approved meds.  I'm completely wiped out and looking pretty harsh.   Please keep your fingers crossed for me that my blood counts did not drop far enough to where I can't have my last chemo treatment tomorrow.  I'm really worried about that.  I decided to take off work today not only to stay away from potential sick co-workers but to rest and take care of myself.  (last chemo - tomorrow at 1pm)

Thanks again for all your support and encouraging words. 

XOXO Jen

Update # 14, Chemo # 10

Before I start my update, I'd like to say a BIG THANK YOU to my long time friend Terri who walked the Arizona 3 day, 60 mile walk for breast cancer cure.    I've known Terri since Kindergarten and we've been able to keep in touch all these years.  She is a huge inspiration to me and I'm so grateful to her for being so involved in the cure for cancer.   Not only is she walking for her loved ones, she added me in this year as "walking for her friend" Jen.  She also has a picture of me and Cody on a button attached to her backpack.  That means so much.  I've said it before in previous e-mails that in the past, I've always ran the race for the cure in Arizona but have never walked the 3 Day 60 mile walk.  She has walked 60 miles more than once for her loved ones and will continue to do so.   Thank you Terri for honoring your family and your friends.
LET"S CURE THIS THING ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Chemo time - Mom and Wendy took me today which was nice.  Now the usual....weight, blood withdraw, blood counts, chemo drugs, and nap.  I brought my camera so I could take various photos to chronicle the events.  Eventually I'll post a few photos of the chemo room, of me,  and my favorite nurses.  

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Got a call from Dr. Wilkinson (Oncologist)  She wants me to make an appt with the Radiology Oncologist ASAP.  I guess she and Dr. Purkert (Surgeon) want to confirm information about my lymph nodes so Dr. Moulds (the new doc) is going over all my medical records.  He will consult with Wilkinson and Purkert to make the final decisions regarding my surgery.   So I had to run over to Fairfax Radiology to have them put all my medical records on CDs for Dr. Moulds.   Had I known I'd be doing this I would have requested those records when I actually had the tests done 4 months ago. My appointment with Dr. Moulds is Monday, November 14th.  As usual, I'm anxious to meet with him.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I'm starting to notice a trend here.  Thursdays are my tired days and boy does work drag by really SLOW!  Taste buds gone.  So frustrating.

Friday, November 11, 2011
Hanging out at the house, but I'm really tired today.  I'm also getting tired of busting out of my clothes.  Turns out I've gained 11 pounds since my first weigh in on August 1st.  It might not sound like a lot but on me it is.  Like I mentioned last week.  I seriously look 3 months pregnant.  Nurse Tonya said it was the decadron that was adding on the weight.  So once chemo is over, I shouldn't have to take decadron anymore so unless they put me on some mega drug during surgery or radiation, I should be able to start getting rid of this extra weight.  So as I was cleaning the house,  it dawned on me that I still have my maternity pants.  YES I DID, I had to.  I don't see a reason to spend money on bigger pants because it's just my belly that's gaining all the weight.  So the maternity pants is a quick fix and man are those stretchy waistbands awesome!!!

Friday, Saturday and Sunday, November 11, 12, and 13th
THE ARIZONA 3 DAY WALK for BREAST CANCER

Although I can not be with Terri in Arizona, I've been thinking about her this entire weekend.    I've been rooting her on through Face Book looking at her posts and photos of her walk.  Maybe one day I'll walk the 3 day walk for the cure but first I'd like to start with maybe a 1 mile walk and work my way back to a run.   I will always support this cause and it means so much to me now.  Thank you Terri !!! 

So I would say overall this was another good chemo week but a tiring one.  My energy level was really low so I didn't get to do all the things I had planned to do this weekend which is a little depressing  but I'm trying to keep my spirits up and make it through the next 2 chemo sessions.  So close now it's almost hard to believe.   Chemo # 11 is today at 1pm.  Ken's mom Eleanor will be taking me.  Fingers crossed all goes well as usual.   

I'm attaching a photo of Terri on her last day of her walk. 
Thanks again for all your continued support.
XOXO Jen 

STRENGTH

A few months ago, my friend Lisa left me a sweet voice mail on my work phone.  In that voice mail she said so many wonderful and sweet things including strength and then said that I was such a strong woman.  As I listened to her voice mail, I started crying.  I thought to myself, how could she say I was strong?  I’m weak, not strong.  I cry every time I go to chemo.  How does she possibly think I’m strong?  Well, I sat down and wrote the word strength and in that word tried to find other words that made up Strength or maybe describe me.  This is what I came up with.  

 

S urvival

T ransition

R eality

E volving

N ote worthty

G reatness

T rust

H eart

Now, 3 months later I do believe I'm a strong woman and this is what I think of myself now:

S – Survivor

T – Truth

R – Reality

E – Energy

N – Never ending

G – Growth

T – Triple negative breast cancer

H - Hope

I’ve come a long way baby.  Looking back at old photos from the beginning of this process to now.  It has been a journey. An amazingly tough journey.

Thanks Lisa for bringing STRENGTH to my attention.  Love ya!!!

Update # 13, Chemo # 9 and good news!

It's that time again.....CHEMO time!

Tuesday, November 1st - Yea, I got Nurse Tonya again.  I'm so glad she's my nurse today.  It's such a good feeling to see a familiar face.   I don't get so nervous since I know what to expect with her.

Wednesday, November 2nd -  Here comes the hot flashes.  HOT, COLD, HOT, COLD.  Oh I hate it.  Now the the cooler weather is here, I get cold.  So I put my fall attire on (long sleeves and pants).  Then all of the sudden I get a hot flash so I’m pulling my sleeves up and throwing off my wig or hat.  Then all of the sudden I'm cold again.    So I snuggle under a blanket.  Then I'm incredibly hot so I throw off the blankets   Any air feels good then I get cold again and the covers come back on.  It goes on and on.  I swear I’m really experiencing menopause.  It’s driving me nuts.  The doc did say that would be a symptom.  Whether it continues after chemo is unknown to the doctors since I am still kind of  young.

 A new symptom I’m experiencing is numbness in my toes.   I assume this is normal.  In the beginning of my Taxol treatment, the nurses said one side effect would be numbness in my fingertips which happened.  I have a hard time grabbing things especially my credit card out of my wallet.  Well now, it’s the tips of my toes.  Feels like they are asleep all the time.  Like a tingly feeling.  Humm….

Last but not least.  We can’t forget to mention how awesome it is to loose my taste buds.  I can’t taste anything and I’m eating in hopes of tasting something.  Water even tastes yucky.  Candy too.  Crazy huh?

Thursday, Nov 3rd -  For some reason I’m really tired today.  Not sure if the hot flashes and the bathroom breaks all through out the night last night that caused me to be tired today or if it’s the fact that I now have 9 full treatments in me.  I have 3 more to go and I can’t wait.  So today was a long day at work but I was functioning.   Unlike previous chemo treatments in the very beginning where I was a zombie,  I can actually hold a conversation.   I just didn’t have the energy today to be fun silly Jen.  Hopefully I’ll snap out of it.  Cody is turning 4 tomorrow so I've got to snap out of the sleepy zone.  I have to be photo ready.  Ha-ha! 

Friday, Nov 4th - Met with the surgeon today.  Such a great day so....

DARE I SAY.... COMPLETE REMISSION !!! 

So excited about today.  I finally met with my surgeon and good news!!!!  My lump is gone.  Completely gone!  I'm in what the doc called "COMPLETE REMISSION".

Internet definition:  A period of time during which symptoms of a disease are reduced (partial) or undetectable (complete). In the case of breast cancer, remission means that tests and imaging do not show evidence of the cancer, and that a doctor cannot see signs of the cancer during a clinical exam. 

So my MRI is showing no mass and my surgeon said from the exam he performed everything felt "normal".  So I'm happy but hesitant to believe it.  All these months of chemo and it's gone?  It's almost to good to be true.  While at his office, he said something that kind of puzzled me.  He said for a woman with triple negative cancer this is very good news.  Triple negative?  What's triple negative?   I don't remember the oncologist talking about that but then again, with all that crying going on, and all the information we took in on one visit, who knows what I heard and if I did hear it, I certainly don't remember it.  Also with Chemo brain, it's easy to forget things as well.  So wondering what it was I had to check the internet.

Internet def:  Your pathology report may say that the breast cancer cells tested negative for estrogen receptors (ER-), progesterone receptors (PR-), and HER2 (HER2-). Testing negative for all three means the cancer is triple-negative.  These negative results mean that the growth of the cancer is not supported by the hormones estrogen and progesterone, nor by the presence of too many HER2 receptors. Therefore, triple-negative breast cancer does not respond to hormonal therapy (such as tamoxifen or aromatase inhibitors) or therapies that target HER2 receptors, such as Herceptin (chemical name: trastuzumab). However, other medicines can be used to treat triple-negative breast cancer.

I actually found a website dedicated to triple negative breast cancer (http://www.tnbcfoundation.org)  that I will refer to more  but with the limited research I've done and I say limited because I really didn't like what I read.   Triple negative seems to be an aggressive cancer that seems to come back (reoccur) more often than the other forms of breast cancer and potentially reoccur in areas other than the breast.  Humm?  That a  little nerve wracking but then again that study was published in 2007 and anything can change in 4 years.  The surgeon and oncologist did say that I will be closely monitored for the next 5 years so I will stay as positive as possible, take care of myself and make sure that I stay on top of this by actively communicating with my doctors and taking every single test they order.   My long term goal is to be cured....if there is such a word in the cancer world.

I'm still going to have surgery (December 14th) even though there is nothing there.  The surgeon will take a small sample of where the lump was and have it tested.  Hopefully it will be cancer free so I can move on to radiation and get this over with once and for all. 

Sorry about the definitions above.  I'm still learning more about my cancer as I go through all this.  Ignorance is bliss but knowledge is power. 
Off to chemo in 6 hours.  Today's appointment is at 1pm and I'll be with Mom and Wendy today.

Thanks again for all your continued support. 
 Lots of love, Jen

My favorite.... Nurse Tonya

Worn out

I have 2 more chemo appointments and I'm at the point where I'm getting completely worn out.  You can tell in my face.  I've lost my color, I'm so pale.  I don't bother putting foundation or powder on.  My face is really dry and some makeup makes my face burn.   My eyelashes are pretty much gone so I don't wear mascara.  I've tried to wear it but it just doesn't look right.  And who wants to wear lipstick especially if that's the only makeup on.  It looks silly.  I feel like that vibrant young woman I once was is now an old haggard woman.  So sad.  But no matter how bad I looked, my little boy Cody only saw his mom.  So that kept me going.

Update # 12, Chemo # 8

Tuesday, Oct 25th
I feel empowered.  Today I had my 8th chemo session and I met with doctor.  I was so excited but for some reason I had a flashback of the past.   It was only  3 1/2 months ago that I was crying out of control as I walked through the non chemo side of the doctors office.  I just learned I had breast cancer and was discussing  my options with the doctor.   Surgery, radiation, chemo, it was all so overwhelming.  Fast forward to today and I feel so motivated, so strong and looking at the doctor's smiling face, I know I'm going to survive this,  She was very pleased with how I looked.  Today was chemo  # 8 and I feel great.  I don't have nausea, mouth sores, aches and pains, diaharia, fever, etc.  Overall I'm healthy and feeling good.  All very good signs, the doctor said.  She did a breast exam and smiled as she felt the area where I once had a 2.8 cm lump.  I can't feel it anymore and neither can she so again, it looks like the chemo is working.  She gave me an order for a breast MRI and told me to schedule an appointment with the surgeon to discuss my MRI results.  I need to find out what kind of surgery I will have.   I'm really ready to get the ball rolling on this.

So I got Nurse Tonya today.  She is so gentle.  My white blood counts were good so onward with chemo. Since I had the doctor visit 1st I didn't get to chemo till noon.  So Eleanor and I didn't leave till about 2pm.  No that bad.  I did fall asleep in my session today and even though I managed to eat before falling asleep when I got home I was starving.  So I ate.  Then I needed sugar so I made myself a english muffin with butter and jelly, then I had an ice cream drumstick, and of course a quick piece or 2 of halloween candy.  I know, not the best foods but I crave sweet things so I can taste something.  No wonder I've gained 9 pounds so far.  Yes, 9 pounds.  The funny thing is the nurse said with my body size when I gain weight it goes all to my gut.  So I look almost 3 months pregnant at times.  Crazy huh?  Well that will be the first thing I loose when I recover from surgery.  I can barely fit into my clothes, especially my work pants.  YIKES!

I must admit, I'm very pleased with today's chemo session and I'm very excited to get past the next 4 sessions.

Wednesday, Oct 26th - work, good day

Thursday, Oct 27th - work and MRI.  I had my MRI scheduled for 9:30am this morning.  I went to work for 1 hour and left for my appointment.  Of course as soon as I got there they informed me that they were running 1 hour behind schedule.  I really wish doctor offices would call you when they are behind schedule.  I really hate waiting in the lobby but then again who does?  Anyway, since I had so many tests done before I started chemo I forgot exactly what test I was getting.  So when she called me back and told me I was getting a needle in my arm with contrast, I couldn't help to roll my eyes and say, oh I'm so tired of getting pricked.  But then I had to re-remember that I was here for a reason and that is to get the results and hopefully my tumor has shrunk.  Besides, the nurse was awesome.  She did what she had to and took me back.  Before I knew it, the test was done so besides the little prick, it was painless and took about 45 min.

Thursday and Friday - no taste buds.  No matter how much I eat and what I eat, I can't taste it.  It's driving me nuts.  I'm dying to taste something.  Also, the hot flashes have to end.  One min I'm cold and the next I'm HOT!  Not sexy HOT but burning up HOT. 

Saturday, October 29th - SNOW before Halloween?  I know this is not chemo related but man, this east coast snow storm was a record breaker for being the earliest on record for Virginia.  As all of you know, I'm so not into the cold weather but seeing the gigantic snow flakes coming down while the leaves on the trees were still bright yellow and red tones was kind of cool.  I took a few photos (and it was super chilly out) but I don't think I truly captured the beauty of it.  So since we were stuck inside I figured Cody and I could make halloween sugar cookies which really didn't turn out all the well.  I guess better luck next year. 

Sunday, October 30th - I'm feeling really good today.  A little tired but not enough to keep Ken, Cody and I away from taking Cody ice skating for the 1st time.  We found an indoor ice rink in Ashburn that teaches the little ones (4 and up) ice hockey.  So we thought maybe Cody would like to try Hockey in a few months but lets put him on ice skates to see how he does.  Surprisingly he did pretty good and he only fell a few times.  Ken and I haven't been on ice skates in YEARS and we did good too.  We didn't fall so I call this day a success. 

Monday, October 31st - HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!
The day before chemo is the absolute best day ever.  I have taste buds, I'm active, I'm in a good mood and I'm one day closer to my cure.  I went to work today.  My office had an awesome Halloween brunch to celebrate.  There was so much yummy breakfast foods and of course desserts.  Cupcakes, cookies, and chocolate candy.  I had to eat it, and it tasted so good!  I ended up leaving work early to attend Cody's preschool Halloween parade which I'll talk about in a separate e-mail since this one is getting long.   

Ken's parents drove down for the Halloween festivities and before all the trick-or-treating began, we had dinner.  With all the excitement of the night, I almost forgot to take my medication.  But I did take it and that made me realize how fast the weeks truly fly by and my next chemo (#9) is tomorrow.  I'm secretly hoping to get my MRI results back but wonder if I'll have to wait till I meet with the surgeon.  I'll keep you posted but please keep your fingers crossed that my tumor shrunk!

LOVE YOU ALL!!!
Jen

P.S.  My sweet neighbor set up a blog for me called Jen's journey.  I haven't posted anything to it yet but all my previous posts are there.  If you would like check it out at:   http://www.jenniferkile.blogspot.com

Not sure if everyone would like my updates through e-mails or if you'd rather check out the blog instead.  Comment? Preferences? Thanks!