Just one of those days

So I got up this morning feeling ok, ok enough to go to work.  I figured I might as well get a few hours in.  Unfortunately traffic was a little thick on rt. 7 so it took practically ½ hour just to go 3 miles.  So of course that made me tired.  I can drive but driving in traffic puts a little spin on things.  You really have to pay attention.  I mean, look at the car in front of you.  Watch your speed, look for his break lights, watch for people changing lanes, merging going through tolls.  It’s a lot to stay focused.  So once I got to work I was wiped.  So I just sat there in a dazed state.  The thing I don’t like about this chemo session is it isn’t the same as the last two.  It’s bothering me because I’m not sure how this will go.  I’m not nauseous I’m just exhausted.  I hope I come out of it soon.  But I’m not sure how to react to this.  Happy?  Happy that I’m tired so the chemo must be working or sad because I’m not the happy go lucky normal Jen like I normally am.  Such a power struggle.   

But today was tough on me.  I looked in the mirror this morning and for the 1^st time.  I pulled out the hand mirror and looked at the back of my head.  I look like fryer tuck.  Just hair on the top and all missing around the ears, and back of my head.  It’s sad.  I had a small tear.  It’s amazing of how much I have changed in the last few months.  I still have 8 sessions to go.  I hope to get thru this.  I also looked in the mirror at my port.  2 scars, I wonder if they will ever go away or will they be a constant reminder of my cancer for the rest of my life.  And please let me have a long life to live.  I want to see Cody grow up and become an adult.  I hope he makes me so proud of him.  He is the best little boy anyone could ask for and he’s such a great support to me.