Update #7, Chemo #4

Finally a week after chemo and I'm now back to what I call normal Jen.  This chemo session was a tough one.  I had a lot of mixed emotions during the week.  I was sad, angry, confused, frustrated, and of course completely exhausted.   

Sept 20th, Chemo #4
I had my appointment in Reston at 11:30 today and like any other chemo appointment I've had, when I get there they always ask how I'm doing and how the last treatment went.  I told the nurse that the last treatment was awesome and if they could mirror that treatment I would be so happy.  So of course she did starting my treatment off with a blood test to check my white blood cells then administering my meds.   As usual, my eyes cross, I get loopy and drift off to sleep.  Two or so hours later when I come back to reality, I'm just about ready to go.  Ken's mom, Eleanor, was with me for this treatment and she drove me home.  I noticed immediately that this chemo session was different.   I was just feeling off.

Sept 21st
A very exhausting and loopy day.  I'm so not with it.  I can't believe how zoned out I am.   Eleanor drove me to my my followup appointment for my booster shot.  Since this was the last appointment for dual meds, this is also my last appointment for my booster shot to bring up the white blood cells.  Thank goodness since this shot is shockingly painful.  I asked the nurse why I was feeling so off.  I told her that my last chemo session was great.  Sure I got sick but overall the entire 2 weeks were good.  She said one reason is that I now how all 4 chemo sessions in my body.  So I'm thinking to myself if this is only 4 sessions and I have 8 more to go this has got to get worse, not better right?.  But they seem to assure me that it won't be so bad.  I'm trying to be positive but I just can't seem to believe that I'm going to feel like my old self soon.

Sept 22nd
I went to work and I think I made a mistake.  I'm so incredibly tired.  I'm trying real hard to function by going to work and having a somewhat normal life but it just wasn't working.  I feel like a zombie.  I hear people talking but my response to them is slow.  

Sept 23rd, 24th, and 25th
This weekend the Susan B Komen 3 day, 60 mile walk was in DC.  I have ran the 5k races many times in the past but have never walked the 3 day.  These people inspire me but as I watched the news reports I started to get a little nervous.  So far, most of the reports have been interviews of people walking for the cure in honor of a loved one who passed away from breast cancer.  Most are of daughters who have lost a mother, the youngest being just 45 years old which brought a huge reality check back to me.  Why did she pass away at such a young age?  My doctor has been so positive about my cancer that it makes me wonder.  Did I find mine in time?  I'm so glad that all these people are walking to help raise money for cure of breast cancer and maybe I missed it but I wish the news would also interview and focus on the survivors as well.   

 So out of the entire week, Sunday was my worst day.  Thank goodness for Ken's mom helping out because I was pretty much on the couch the entire day in a dazed state.  I just can't believe how the drugs takes me into a different world.  But the thing I have to constantly remind myself is that no matter how much I hate chemo and how it changes me, chemo is curing me. So if I have to deal with the loppiness, dizziness, loss of hair, and being in a dazed state for a few days then I just have to suck it up and deal because when this is all over with I'll be alive and that's the most important thing to remember.

Again, thanks to all of you for your support.  Your kind words and listening ears means so much to me.
Love, Jen

A visit from my AZ friends

Such a nice day.  My friends, Melanie and Jeff drove way out of their way to come visit me.  Since having chemo driving long distances are hard for me so I try to stay local.  Melanie and Jeff were in town visiting family and friends and also made time to come see me.  I was so happy.  Luckily I was at the beginning of my 2nd week after chemo so I was somewhat with it.  They came over to my house and we all went out to lunch.  It was the best time I had in a while.  It was just so nice to see and spend time with them.  I've known them since 1995.  Yes, 1995.  I was 25 years old and we all starting working at the same place at the same time.  Melanie and I became instant friends and now that I live in Virginia, I really miss her.  Anyway, hanging out with them today felt like I was having lunch in Arizona.
Thanks guys for visiting me.

Just one of those days

So I got up this morning feeling ok, ok enough to go to work.  I figured I might as well get a few hours in.  Unfortunately traffic was a little thick on rt. 7 so it took practically ½ hour just to go 3 miles.  So of course that made me tired.  I can drive but driving in traffic puts a little spin on things.  You really have to pay attention.  I mean, look at the car in front of you.  Watch your speed, look for his break lights, watch for people changing lanes, merging going through tolls.  It’s a lot to stay focused.  So once I got to work I was wiped.  So I just sat there in a dazed state.  The thing I don’t like about this chemo session is it isn’t the same as the last two.  It’s bothering me because I’m not sure how this will go.  I’m not nauseous I’m just exhausted.  I hope I come out of it soon.  But I’m not sure how to react to this.  Happy?  Happy that I’m tired so the chemo must be working or sad because I’m not the happy go lucky normal Jen like I normally am.  Such a power struggle.   

But today was tough on me.  I looked in the mirror this morning and for the 1^st time.  I pulled out the hand mirror and looked at the back of my head.  I look like fryer tuck.  Just hair on the top and all missing around the ears, and back of my head.  It’s sad.  I had a small tear.  It’s amazing of how much I have changed in the last few months.  I still have 8 sessions to go.  I hope to get thru this.  I also looked in the mirror at my port.  2 scars, I wonder if they will ever go away or will they be a constant reminder of my cancer for the rest of my life.  And please let me have a long life to live.  I want to see Cody grow up and become an adult.  I hope he makes me so proud of him.  He is the best little boy anyone could ask for and he’s such a great support to me.

Ignorance is Bliss

Someone once told me that ignorance was bliss.  I thought to myself how dumb.  Why would you not want to know?  Well, today I decided to surf the web a little.  I feel like I need to know more about cancer.  So I looked for breast cancer blogs.   I found one that was written in 2009.  I skimmed though it and somehow landed on the surgery part.   I don’t know what type of surgery I’m going to have yet and I haven’t asked as well.  But I did run across a post of hers saying something about drainage.  That’s where I closed it and now IGNORANCE became my BLISS.  I’m thinking why stress about it now when it’s still 2 1/2 months away. 

Looking in the mirror

 Looking at myself in the mirror,  I’m not sure how I feel yet.  I see my face but I don’t see me.  I look at what’s left of my hair and it doesn’t seem real.  Am I in denial?  Or don’t I care anymore?  I mentioned in an update that I had a receding hairline.  Well, it’s truly receding and I keep thinking, I’ve got to take a picture of this to document it.  My forehead is gigantic and the sides of my head where my ears are is pretty much gone.  I figured that would go since that’s where my wig rubs.  I’ve heard I have a bald spot in the back of my head too but I have yet to look.  I think I’m handing the loss well.  Like I mentioned above, not sure if it’s denial or just don’t care.  I mean what can I do?  The chemo is killing both good and bad cells so I should appreciate it but yet can’t help to hate it.  I hope this really does cure me.  I’d rather have my life than my hair anyday.  Cody loves me anyway I am and if I had to never get my hair back in order to live to watch him grow up I would.  But it’s funny how I look at people now differently.  I think how lucky they are to have hair.  Now that the weather has gotten cooler, I’m surprised at how cold my head gets.  It’s just like a newborn.  Soon, I’m sure I’ll be going to bed with hats on just to stay warm at night.    Oh, and my scalp is so itchy.  I’m amazed at how dry my skin and scalp is.   The doctor told me it would be that way.  Only problem is when I put a little lotion on my dry area I always pull a hair out so I’m hesitant to apply the lotion.  Maybe I’ll do a search on the internet to see what’s more important.  Pulling out a stray hair or two or moisturizing.  I’m sure it will say moisturizing is more important

First compliment

 I went to Kingstowne yesterday and just happen to run into Giant grocery store to use the restroom.  I wore my long diva wig today since it was a bit chilly out.  The lady in the restroom asked me where I got my hair done.  She said, "It's so pretty."   What do you say to that?  She totally shocked me.  I told her it’s actually a wig.  She said she would have never known.  That made me feel good since I know it’s a wig and it looks like a wig to me.  But it was nice to think, maybe I can pull this off.  Maybe no one would really know that it’s not my real hair.   Good thing is, it does resemble my old hair style a bit so I do feel somewhat comfortable in it.  

Update # 6, Chemo #3

Chemo #3 The day has come.

Tuesday, Sept. 6, 2011.

For this treatment, my mom and sister Wendy were there with me.  They drove over to my house and picked me up.  Since Labor Day was yesterday, the doctor moved my session to Tuesday.  I must admit this session was a little more emotional for me.  Don’t know if it was because Wendy and mom were with me or that the fact that the last few days were so awesome.  I felt so good and I was so happy.  Getting chemo makes me realize that I’m going to be a vegetable soon.  Ok, not that extreme but all I could think about was how bad I was going to feel and not having any energy for anything and just being so loopy.  I hate that.  I love the normal Jen.  I love the fact that I can laugh, be active, and play with Cody.  I don’t want to get up and immediately have to eat, drink and take pills.  So I must admit, walking into the hospital, I started crying.  I just couldn’t help it.  I’m not afraid of chemo.  It’s curing me.  It’s just the process I have to mentally work my way thru. 

I was shocked and really bummed at first because I had to share a room with a stranger.  I've never had to share a room before and this might sound weird but I really didn't want to see someone else getting chemo.  You'd think I would relate to the person but it makes me sad to see someone else go thru this.  Luckily the nurse pulled the curtain around so we had a small amount of privacy.  As usual, the nurse wiped my port down to sterilize it. My port is still tender so it never feels good when she rubs it but yet thanks to the numbing cream the actual needle doesn’t hurt. 

After the other lady was done with her session, we got the room to ourselves.  I finally felt relaxed and was able to take a nap.  With meds, it's so easy to gently drift off to sleep.  But when I woke, I wasn't so out of it like my #2 chemo session, I actually felt ok.  Of course not well enough to drive but well enough to be aware.  Could this be a good sign?

Wed, Thurs, and Friday - all good.  Something must be wrong? 
 

Friday, Sept. 9th, I met with the Oncologist today.  We discussed how I was doing, feeling, reacting to the drugs and she gave me an exam.   She was very pleased with my progress and said that my body was reacting to the chemo very well.  With a smile on her face, she said by feeling the area that my tumor is shrinking and I believe her since I do not feel the large mass as well anymore.  She also said by feel, my lymph nodes are shrinking as well.  She said surgery is still in my future but she is very pleased with how I am doing both physically and mentally.  I must admit, I feel good.  I don't know why but I do.   So this was such a positive visit with the doc and I feel very energized and still very motivated for this fight.

So I'm sitting  here on my bed thinking back and wondering why I'm handling this so much better than the other 2 chemo treatments.  Is my body getting use to the chemo drugs?  Is my body handling the nausea drugs better both on and off them?  Humm?  For the past 2 sessions, I've been scheduled to go to chemo on Mondays but this past Monday was a holiday so they moved me to Tuesday.  So this time I had 15 days between chemo sessions instead of 14 days.  I've also gone from a 9:30am appt to a 1:30pm appointment to a 11:10 appointment.  Could getting the meds in different parts of the day really matter?  I know the fastness and slowness of the drip matters but can the time of the day help too? I also changed locations.  I started at the Fairfax office and moved to the Reston office since that is where the doctor is on Tuesdays?  Are the Reston nurses doing something different than the Fairfax nurses.  Like the order of what drug is going in me first?  It just makes me wonder.  Well whatever they are doing, I hope it stays this way because so far,  this week has been like no other.  A very good one!

Monday, September 12th the party ended.  But you know, if I only end up with one bad day out of 13 good ones, I'll take it.  I ended up feeling loopy and very sleepy.  In fact I slept most of the day.  Sure the rest of this week I had no taste buds, food is tasting yucky and I'm experiencing heart burn that I haven't felt before but overall I can handle all of this.  Being able to function and enjoying my time with Ken and Cody is what this chemo session allowed me this time. 

So,  as I read my update over I've come to realize that the only time I really question chemo is when I'm actually at chemo.  I get very emotional because I still think I'm in shock that I have cancer.  But as the week moves on I get strong and motivated to beat this.  I also realize the power of friends and family.  So to end this update on a positive note.  I want to say thanks again to everyone for all the support.  You're words of encouragement have made me strong and I know without all of you, this road would be so much tougher.

Love you dearly,
Jen

 As you can tell in the photo, the chemo meds are working.  I'm beginning to get loopy and drowsy.

Update #5, receding hairline

Never in a million years did I ever think that I would have a receding hairline but then again, cancer was so not on my radar either.

At my 2^nd chemo session, the nurse told me that it was a good thing that I buzzed my hair because loosing your hair, especially long like I had, is very tramatic.  So of course hearing this made feel a little better about my decisions to cut it short then ultimately to buzz it.   She also mentioned that my hair would probably be gone by the end of that week.  To my surprise when Friday, 8/26 came I was pleased to see that I actually had all my hair still on my head.  I've had a few strands come off here and there but it hasn't really shocked me that bad yet.   My biggest surprise is how tender my scalp is and how uncomfortable the buzz cut is on the pillow when I sleep at night.

Well, now that it’s the end of the 2^nd week,  my hair is slowly coming out.  I've noticed more hair on the pillow when I wake up in the morning.   I kind of expected more clumps of hair missing but instead it’s thinning in areas where I wear my hat or wig.  I do have some bald spots and I now have the biggest forehead ever.   It's actually kind of sad to look in the mirror.  I don't look like myself and I don't feel femine anymore. To me, I look more like a really sick looking guy and when I see my hair on my fingers or shoulders, it still doesn't seem real even though it's very real.   My next chemo appointment is this tomorrow and I do believe by the end of this Friday my hair will finally all fall out.    I’m preparing myself for total baldness  but I’m not sure how I’ll actually react to the entire loss.  How bad will it really look?  How long will I look this way?  And when will I ever look normal again?

The good thing about this whole process is no matter how ugly I feel Cody tells me how beautiful I am everyday.  He has never feared my buzz cut or hair loss and so far has embraced my new look.  He really keeps my spirits up.  Even though I hate this I have to keep re-reminding myself that chemo kills cells both good and bad and in order to survive this, my hair loss is part of it.  And if I'm loosing the hair, the chemo must be working so getting better is on the horizon.

I've finally got around to sending you all the before and after photos.   The 1st photo is before chemo started.  The 2nd is after my 1st chemo treatment when I decided to cut 8 inches off.  And of course the last photo is the buzz cut.  Be prepared for this one.  I knew I had dark hair but didn't realize it was this dark.  That's what happens when you dye it blonde for the last 15 years.  :)   I guess I'll really going to be all natural for the next few months.

Thanks again for all your support.  It really means a lot to me.
Love ya,  Jen

My family