Ringing in the Hope

This morning Cody and I walked a 1K walk in the Ringing in the Hope 5K/10K/1K fun walk.  I'm so proud of myself.  I know 1K is not a big deal but for someone who just a few months ago was lying on the couch all day,  it felt great.  To me, it's a start.  A start of something big.  I feel like I'm gaining control of my life again and it feels good.  Seeing all those people line up at the starting line made me think of the days I use to run races in Phoenix.  It motivated me.  Although I didn't run (so not ready for that with my wounds) I walked the 1K and it felt good.  In fact, Cody and I walked from our house to the race, and walked home.  I took a few photos that I will post later when I download them off my camera.  
The entire day was nice.  Not only was the weather awesome, after the race, Cody played on the neighbors jungle gym.  He loves swinging on the swings.  Then the neighbors came out.  We chatted for a bit.  It was so nice.  

A few hours later, my friend Jenny and her family John, Alyssa, and Delaney came to visit us all the way from Richmond.  They were in town visiting in Arlington and decided to swing by our house.  It was the best visit and it's been a long time since I've seen them.  We had a nice time talking while Cody, Alyssa and Delaney played.  Cody enjoyed showing the girls his playroom and toys.  I hated to see them go but with a 2 hour drive, they had to hit the road.  I told Jenny when I get past my radiation I'd like to plan a trip to Richmond to spend time with them.  

Cody gave little Delaney a kiss on the cheek goodbye.  It was so cute.  But of course I talked him into giving her one.  He was shy at first but when no one was looking that's when he made his move.    Totally cute. 

 Ready for the walk

Walking ahead of mom

Random people

Me and Cody

Why is this happening?

I'm devistated.  So not prepared for the loss of my eyebrows.  5 weeks after chemo is over and my brows are falling out like my hair did 5 months ago.  It's just the weirdest thing.  On Dec 12th I went to a class called Look good, feel better.  The lady specifically talked about penciling in eyebrows.  She told us to take a photo of what our brows looked like so when they fall out, we'll know the shape of them and how to pencil them in.  I thought to myself, no need to worry.  Mine are still with me.  I figured if I'd loose them it would certainly be while I was on Taxol.  But they're still here so no worries.  You'd think I would have gotten the clue when my eyelashes started to thin out.  I don't know why I didn't think my brows would go next.  I guess I didn't do enough research cause before you know it, one day I had my eyebrows the next they were majorly thinning out.  Now I just have a few strands left.  I thought it was hard to loose the hair on my head but let me tell you, wigs can hide a bald head.  Nothing can hide no eyebrows and I'm really having a tough time accepting that they are almost gone.  So, not only did I gain 15 pounds.  My face is fat, my stomach is big, I have barely any eyelashes and eysbrows and I'm super pale.  I seriously look sick.  What happened to me?  Oh, that's right, I had cancer.  The docs said it's gone so why do I look like crap?  And I have 6 weeks of radiation coming up.  Ok, I'm happy to be alive but it's so difficult to watch myself go through this transformation.  I've decided that it might be time to finally join a cancer support group.  I have the best support group a girl could ask for but I need one where women understand what I'm going through or who have been there and done that.  Cause right now, I think I need someone to tell me everything is going to be ok. 

Tough day

Today I had an appointment with the Dr. Purkert.  I drove to Rt 50 in Fairfax.  It was raining and dreary out.  My appointment was quick but good news.  My pathology report showed no signs of cancer in any of the samples the doctor took from me.  He also ended up taking out 5 lymph nodes so that makes sense why my underarm hurts so much.  I just can't believe how tender my entire arm is.  The outer, under and around my chest is completely numb.  But at least all my wounds are healing nicely and my recovery was much quicker than I expected.

After my appointment I decided to drive over to my sister's house.  Mom was at her house and I thought it would be nice for the 3 of us to meet up and have lunch.  Before I went over, I stopped at Bella Donna Salon.  Ken bought me a gift card for spa services earlier this year for my 40th Birthday.  I love going to the spa and getting pampered but I never got to use it because right after I got it in February, we bought the house so I spent all my time and energy in moving.  Then as you know I found my cancer 2 weeks after moving into our new house.  So once I started Chemo I wasn't allowed to get massages or mani's and pedi's.  I thought since I can't go during radiation I might as well ask the salon if I can get a refund.  If not, the gift card expires in Feb and I'll loose the entire spa experience.
So I stopped by.  I didn't think it would be a big deal but unfortunately it was.  They were jammed packed.  Women were all over getting mani's and pedi's.  I walked up and asked them if I could get a refund because I have cancer and the doctor said I can't have any of the services done right now.  The manager agreed and said that was absolutely no problem.  Normally salons don't give refunds but I was looking really harsh today and I think she could see it by my appearance.  Unfortunately, I've been upset about my apprearance lately and I started crying in the salon.  I'm looking around at all these women all dolled up with their hair done so nice and getting pampered.  I just couldn't help feeling ugly and somewhat feeling sorry for myself.  After visiting with Dr. Purkert, you'd think I would be happy about what he said and how good I did at surgery and how pleased they are with my progress but I guess being a female, how can you not think about your appearance?  Anyway, I was a crying mess when I got over to my sisters house. 

Eventually I got over it and we went to lunch.  I enjoy hanging out with mom and Wendy and it was good therapy to see them. 

Since it was still raining, I figured I better get on the road.  Even though the holidays are still here and traffic is good, you just never know in this town when you'll get stuck in traffic because most of the time it's always. 

Frustrated

I know it's only 2 days before Christmas but I can't help to be slightly frustrated today.  My arm is killing me from the surgery.  It's swollen, bruised and stings a bit.  I just realized last night when I was putting lotion on my feet that my left big toenail is dying.  This is really stressing me out because that is the same toe I had an ingrown nail a few years back.  It seems like last year I finally recovered from it and was able to actually paint it but now I'm concerned that if the nail falls out am I'm going to get another ingrown?  Well,  I guess my dying toenail matches my dying left thumbnail.  And of course last but not least, not only do I barely have any eyelashes, I now just noticed that my left eyebrow is missing a whole lot of brow.  Why is the entire left side of my body going wacky?  I've been off chemo for 1 full month now.  The hair on my head has been growing in but I wonder if this is just a joke and it will all fall out or maybe the left side of my hair will fall out and the right side will stay.  I know, sounds stupid but what can I say, I'm a bit frustrated. 

Another one lost the battle

I always thought that cancer was evil.  It didn't matter who you were or how old you were it could strike at any moment.  A good friend of mine  lost his wife just 2 months ago to cancer.  She was only in her mid 40's.  Just too young.  I always supported the Susan G. Komen foundation and this year, just  a few months ago, I was diagnosed with cancer.  Where does this disease come from?  How did I get it?  Why did I find my lump and others didn't find theirs?  It's all a big unknown.

Now, I'm more aware when people pass from cancer.  Today I just happened to see an article on Yahoo about a Venezuelan model that lost her battle to breast cancer.   She was only 27 years old.  The article just slapped me in the face and saddened my heart.   Last month I was told that I was in remission.  This month I had surgery and was told that it was a success but hearing this story about this young woman just makes me realize that life is so precious and that I'm so lucky that I found my cancer when I did and that it wasn't too late.   

Update # 17, Surgery

December 14th
The day has finally come.  I had mixed feelings about it.  Part of me was afraid and the other part just wanted this over with.  I kept trying to tell myself that surgery has to be easier than chemo.  It's only one day and if all goes well, you should recover quickly.  Chemo was 16 weeks of torture.  Not only were you sick but you watched yourself physically transform.  Surgery is one step closer to beating cancer.  So I was as ready as I could be.  We had to be at the hospital at 6:30am.   So here we go.

My 1st appointment was at 8:00am.  I had to get a nuclear dye injection.  The dye would gravitate to the lymph nodes leading the surgeon to the ones he wanted to take a sample of.    I signed in and the female behind the desk made a comment about the injection hurting.  What?  Of course, being as stressed as I was,  I have no idea what conversations took place between me and any staff at the hospital.  But in this particular situation, I must have asked her if the procedure hurt and I can't believe that she actually said yes so of course I was slightly freaking out.  When they took me back the doctor explained to me that I would get 4 needles in my left breast each depositing a small amount of nuclear dye.  This will be done without any numbing meds.  Can I tell you getting pricked 4 times in your breast really hurts.  And the dye hurt too.  I was yelping and whimpering.  Ken was holding my hand but he just couldn't take the pain away.  Luckily it was rather quick. 

My next appointment was at 9:00am.  This was a needle placement.  It sounds horrible and it was but at least they numbed my breast this time.  The nurse placed my breast in a mammogram machine.  (OUCH!) While there, she took several photos to document the micro chip that was placed there when Dr. Simm did a biopsy a few months back.  (Starting to cry)  She then numbed my breast, took a needle and ran a wire through the needle all the way to the micro chip.  The doc said this is like a map to the lump which will guide the surgeon during surgery.  Not only is the surgeon going to take a sample of where the cancer was, he's going to remove the micro chip.  They took a few more photos and then taped the wire to my chest so my hospital gown didn't rub it.  Ken was not in the room for this procedure which we thought was odd. 

Finally I was sent to the pre-op room.   The nurses gave me liquids through an IV.  Yup, gotta love the IV.   They went over my medical records asking me if I was allergic to anything, what procedure I was getting, my name, birth date, etc.  I answered all questions.   Seemed like I laid there forever.  I even dozed off a few times.  My stomach was growling.  I hadn't eaten anything since last night.   On our way to the hospital we must of past 50 restaurants all filled with people eating breakfast.
All I could think about was food.   My surgery was suppose to be at 11:00am but no one came to get me.  Ken and I assumed that the surgeon was running behind schedule since we did hear he was already in surgery this morning.  Finally around noon tons of people showed up.  They all introduced themselves to me.  It was all so fast and the next thing I know the surgeon came in to check on me.  It was just about that time.  Nerves kicked in again and the tears were rolling out of my eyes.  They gave me some tissues and told me to say goodbye to Ken.  Off they took me down the hallway as I watched the lights in the ceiling go by.  They wheeled me in to the surgery room and  had me get off the gurney to lie on the operating table. A nurse waved to me and the next thing I know, I'm in the recovery room. 

I'm so groggy.  My eyes opened slightly and I could see a lady across from me and a lady next to me.  These are tiny little rooms with curtains that separate us but for some reason all our curtains were open.  I have no idea what time it was.  I heard the nurse talk to me.  I told her I didn't feel good.  All of the sudden I started to throw up.  But nothing came out.  She gave me ice chips and called for someone to bring me nausea medicine.  I tried to mumble that I was hungry, that's why I was sick but I was so out of it.  So with the nausea meds, back to sleep I went. 

I heard them call Ken in to be with me but I just couldn't snap out of it.  I heard Ken talking to the doctor but I just couldn't understand a word they were saying.  Eventually, whoever was tending to me gave me crackers and some ginger ale since I was starving.  I started coming out of my daze and they finally released me at 5pm.  I was ready to leave.  They told Ken to bring the car around to the front of the building but the volunteers who were wheeling me out took me to a different area so it took us a while to find Ken.   If I had the energy and strength I would have gotten up and found him myself.  Finally we got on the road at 5:30pm right during rush hour so it took us about a hour to get home. 

This was a long day.  From what Ken told me, Dr. Purkert said from the samples he took, they were all cancer free.  He did take 2 entire lymph nodes and even though those lymph nodes showed no cancer present, the doctor felt they were just to suspicious to leave them in.  The entire surgery lasted about 2 hours and because it was minor surgery, I got stitches and glue.  Thank goodness!!!

So now, 6 days later, I'm recovering nicely.  Out of the 3 wounds, most of my pain is under my arm where the lymph nodes were removed.   I meet with Dr. Purkert next Tuesday for a look over and to discuss the pathology report.  But as of now, my surgery was a SUCCESS!!!!

Thanks you for your encouraging e-mails.
XOXO Jen

Today is the day

On my way to surgery.

Thanks to everyone who called, e-mailed and texted me well wishes.  It really meant a lot.