Torture!!!

1st - 3 hours of CPR training.  9am - noon
2nd - 1 hour of Physical therapy.  5pm - 6pm

= TORTURE

I can't believe how much pain my arm was in today.  Believe it or not, but CPR training is exhausting. Doing 30 chest compressions on a dummy multiple times was incredibly tiring.  Thank goodness I had a few hours to rest.  But seriously, I'm starting to not look forward to physical therapy.  I assume it's because I'm lazy.  I'm not one that enjoys exercising.  Andrew has helped and I can see improvement with my arm but sheez...it really does feel like torture.  I like the massage and I've decided when therapy is over, I'm going to treat myself to a real massage therapist and it will be the most relaxing treatment I've had in years.  I feel like I need to have ocean water or some sort of birds chirping in the background with my eyes closed.  Not wide open with bright lights and a guy over me digging for gold in my arm pit.  

I really need to get my arm back in proper working order so I hope I continue with this and work through the exhaustion.

Green thumb part II

Having a green thumb is therapy for me.  Growing stuff makes me happy.  A few weeks back I posted photos of the garden I was growing.  Radishes, green peppers, tomatoes, basil, dill, scallions, and the unknown corn stalk.  I've enjoyed watching all these plants grow and so far, the radishes have been my most satisfying plant since it was the quickest from seed, to plant to harvest.  I think I pulled approximately 60 tomatoes off the vine.  I tried to grow cherry tomatoes but I think I started that plant a little to late.  I'm getting tomatoes but they are falling off the vine before they ripen. The dill, scallions and the corn stalk didn't really pan out but the green peppers are growing like mad.  I think I have about 15 peppers growing and all I can think about is eating them.  Knowing my luck they'll all ripen at the same time.  Luckily, they are different sizes so I think I can space them out a bit between pickings.

So the reason why I mentioned my green thumb is not only am I having fun with my garden, I'm also having fun with flowers.   Here are a few pictures of my flowers and veggies.

My beautiful vine

 Rosemary

 Basil

 My hibiscus and an ornery ant that wouldn't leave it alone

 Cherry tomatoes - come on ripen already

 Green peppers growing

 Regular tomatoes - yummy

Get a room and leave my hibiscus alone!

For some reason I had a ton of little critters that wouldn't leave my hibiscus alone.  I had a hard time fighting off all the bugs almost to the point of major frustration.  I'm thinking about not buying the hibiscus next year and trying out a different plant.  I do love the beautiful flowers so I might give in and try again but I'll be ready with my bug sprays and home remedies to fend off the little suckers.

Eye doctor appointment

So a few weeks ago,   I finally decided that I had to get my act together and seriously make some doctor appointments.  My oncologist said I needed to pay attention to my body and take care of it.  Of course I take care of my body but I remember a time when if I didn't necessarily feel well,  I would tend to ignore my symptoms and hope in time they'd go away.  So about 2 weeks ago, I noticed my right eye started to get really dry right under my bottom eyelashes.  I found that so odd and of course my brain immediately went to OH CRAP I HAVE EYE CANCER.  I mean why else would the skin under my eye get dry unless something wasn't wrong.  I know it sounds crazy but I've never had an eye appointment.  I don't wear glasses and I can see just fine so I thought why would I need to make an eye appointment if everything is going fine.  So I made the appointment and today finally came.  I was actually really nervous.  What if something was wrong?  Could I have an infection in my eye?  Is the dry skin under my bottom lash something the EYE doctor would be concerned about?  Should I have gone to my primary care doc a week ago?  And of course scared since I haven't been to an eye doctor, what should I expect?   It should be pretty painless but I'm a chicken when it comes to meeting new doctors.  More now than ever since the last few I met, gave me great pain but in the same sentence, saved my life.

My appointment was at 2pm.  My first impression of the office wasn't that great.  It's a doctors office but the waiting room area is filled with shelves of eye glasses and 2 chairs.  Where am I going to sit?  But it made sense because as soon as I handed over my paperwork I was called back to start my appointment.  Humm...Impressed I am?  (I'm suddenly sounding like Yoda.)  But the eye doctor wasn't the doc doing the initial exam which made me think, why is it that all the assistants or nurses do all the ugly work and get paid way less?  Makes no sense but that's the way it is at my job.  Anyway, the assistant (don't know her official title) was awesome. She explained everything to me and walked me through the entire appointment.  I was really impressed with her.  I felt completely comfortable and as the tests continued I felt more and more confident that my eyes were ok.  

I paid extra for a special test that takes pictures of your eyes.  It looks for all sorts of stuff like diabetes, cancer, glaucoma, etc.  It was amazing to see my eye in that way but yet scary cause I couldn't read the photo.

Eventually the doctor came and I immediately liked him.  He was very kind and friendly.  He didn't rush me through my visit and carefully explained everything to me.  He also did another test with me, the eye chart and as he asked me to read off the lines, he would switch lens and asked which lens was clearer.  There were definite differences but some that I couldn't tell and I thought oh geez I'm second guessing myself.  But apparently I did well.  I don't need glasses and I'm really happy about that.  I know this sounds silly but it's hard enough sporting my out dated hair style, adding glasses to the mix would just throw me off completely.  Then he went over the special test and luckily everything looked good.  No issues with my eyes at all.  Now this will stay on their file so when I see the doctor next year I can elect to do the test again.  That way the doctor can compare the tests for changes. 

So today was a good day for me.  :)

50 shades of Andrew

Ok, today I had my physical therapy appointment.  Let me tell you....I was really looking forward to my 5pm appointment today.  I was ready for the day at the spa.  Tuesday was paradise.  It was a complete arm massage and I was thrilled with the progress I made.  But today, it was different.  I got there early and immediately I was put to work with exercises.  ARM EXERCISES???  I can't believe the amount of pain I felt.  And it wasn't the kind of pain I expected.  They handed my a flexible bar.  I had to hold it in a perpendicular position and shake my arm holding it out for a min.  Then change to my right arm.  Then turn it to a parallel position and shake it as my arm was out in front of me.  Again each position was done for a minute.  It was like my arm jelly was jiggling back and forth and the pain came from muscle burn.  It was crazy.  I thought I was working out in the gym.  Then I had a series of other arm exercises.  Here I was thinking I would just lie down on the massage table and get a massage.  Oh, I did get a massage but that was at the end and it was no paradise.  Andrew decided to dig deep into my scar tissue.  YEOW!! I yelped.  Then he was maneuvering my arm all around, stretching it in all different directions.  Then he turned me to my side and stretched out my left side.  It almost felt like he was pushing my skin right off my ribs.  Is this normal?  My poor left side is still kind of numb from surgery.  I wonder if I'm normal to still be feeling like this?  Who knows but as I left the 1st thing popped in my head was the book 50 shades of Grey.  Now, I haven't read the entire book yet but I get the gist of what's going on.  And when I compare the book to Andrew let's just be honest here, there is no relationship, it's all physical therapy and nothing but physical therapy but I can't help to laugh a little in my head in comparing the book with him.  All I can say is I felt tortured due to the unexpected work out that left my muscles burning but yet left feeling relieved and satisfied.  Strange huh?  

So we'll see how many shades Andrew has.  So far,  I've experienced at least 4 shades. 

Physical Therapy

The last time I saw my Oncologist, she said I needed to go to a physical therapist.  I admit, I'm a righty so I never use my left arm but I didn't realize how much I really didn't use my left arm until this morning.  My 1st appointment was with Andrew at Aid Performance.  I found it through my insurance company and was happy to see that this place was only a few miles from my house.  In fact besides my primary care physician, this location is the 2nd closest specialist to my house.  Thank goodness!

So my appointment was at 8am.  I filled out a bunch of paperwork and sat down with Andrew as he went through it.  He asked a few questions and did a bunch of measurements.  Afterward, he told me lay down on a massage table.  He massaged my entire arm including my underarm where my scar is.  It was so relaxing and I could feel my arm starting to loosen up a bit.  He did dig a little deep into the scar which hurt a little but it didn't kill me.  I actually felt good when he was done I thought, geez, I should have done this weeks ago.  My arm was loose and I feel very alive and ready to tackle the day.

Of course after driving 1/2 hour to work I suddenly got really tired and thought oh geez, I should have taken the day off to rest.  I'm wiped.

In the beginning of our conversation, Andrew said I needed PT (physical therapy) 3 days a week for 90 days but then scaled it back to 2 days a week with a possible finishing date sometime in October depending on how I do.

Overall I'm happy I signed up for physical therapy.  I'm anxious to see how long it takes to get my left arm in proper working order.

Love those feathers!

If one more person says that they love my feathered hair, I'm going to scream!  Well not out loud.  :)  At work today 2 people said they liked my feathers.  I said ya, my 1980's feathered hair that drives me nuts.  It's to short to straighten and almost to short to curl.  So when my 3rd co-worker said, you look so cute today with your Fea....I said, don't say it.  She stopped and smiled.  And we both laughed.  Ok, seriously, I'm not in love with my hair but I don't despise it.  I'm happy to have hair.  It sure beats being bald but I'd love to have my flowing locks again.  But looking at photos of my pink sisters who have been there and done that.  I know those locks are on their way.

Chemo, One Year later

One year ago I had my 1st chemo session.  I can't believe it's been a year already.  I feel weird today.  I remember that day well but yet I don't want to remember it at all.  But it's a part of me.  It will always be a part of me.

Update # 25

Hello everyone!!!!   It's been quite a while since I've e-mailed you all with an update so I thought on the eve of my 1st chemo treatment 8/7/11, I might as well send out the latest on what's going on.  One year ago today I was completely freaking out.  Knowing that my 1st chemo treatment was hours away, I was afraid of the unknown and I was afraid of dying.  Today, a year later, I'm thinking about that night and I'm determined to stay a breast cancer survivor.  I made a promise to Cody last year that this summer would be the best summer ever.  And so far, it is.  Here's what's been going on in the last few months.  Happy reading!!

How I feel:
All and all I would say things have been good.  I'm actually beginning to feel like my life is getting back on track.    I'm still recovering from the entire ordeal and everyday that goes by I can feel myself getting stronger.  I'm amazed at how fast time has gone by.  Can you believe that it's been 8 months since I finished chemo, 7 1/2 months since surgery and 5 months since my last radiation treatment?   Sometimes it almost feels like a dream.  Last year this time I had already found my lump, was diagnosed, went thru the whirl wind of tests, had my port surgery and was getting ready for my first chemo treatment (Aug. 8th).   I just can't believe where I was and where I am today.  And as of now, I'm still cancer free.  Whoo-hoo!

Radiation: 
To my surprise, the areas on my body that were radiated are still really tender.   The flaming red blisters left months ago but I still don't have my normal skin tone on my left side.  Hey,  I'll take whatever skin tone I get as long as I'm healthy right?  I've seen all my doctors and from what they all said, the majority of the tenderness is still from surgery.  I just didn't expect such a long recovery period for 3 small areas. 

Side effects:
My dead fingernails have finally grown out and I actually got to wear fingernail polish for the 1st time in a year.  I forgot how feminine fingernail polish makes you look and believe me, I'll take anything that makes me look one more step closer to the old Jen.  My numb toes have just about gone away.  They don't tingle like they use to and that makes me very happy.  No hot flashes (thank goodness) and I got all my taste buds back.  Whoo hoo! I'm on a roll.  I still have fatigue but the doc said that's normal. 

Hair:
My hair is growing back better than I expected.  I can hardly believe that I was completely bald  8 months ago.  My natural color is back - brunette (haven't seen that color in 15 years).  It's kind of poofy, a little curly/wavy, thick and thank goodness, no gray hair.  :)  
I don't have the nerve to cut and style it yet.  Cutting it makes me feel like I'm taking away what's finally growing in.  Even though it's growing in quick, I feel like the top isn't catching up with the back so I'm sure I'll have a mullet if I don't get my act together and get to a salon soon.  But in time, I'm sure one day I'll get my Victoria Secret model hair that brings the old Jen back to life but for now, I'm trying to focus on staying healthy and getting back to normal.

The down side to looking normal:
So the down side of looking normal and not necessarily feeling normal is people assume things.  Upper level management  in my office told me that I had to return back to work full time starting May 7th.  Almost 4 years to the day that I started working part time.  I was really angry at first.  They actually approached me only 17 days after my final radiation treatment which I was and wasn't shocked  More shear disappointment.  At the time, I was so tired from treatment, working 3 days a week gave me a chance to rest/recover on the other 2 days that I had off.  The excuse they gave me was they can't hire more people if there was a part timer on the books.   So it was more  important to get me on the books full time thank making sure that I recover properly.  I thought that was a bit harsh.  I realize that there are a lot of people who work full time during/after cancer treatments and I know how difficult it is.  I know I was fortunate to work part time so I can't be 100% angry.  I just feel like they were vulchers flying around just waiting to hear those magic words, "She's Cancer Free".  I gave them two doctors notes but they refused them both.  They pretty much said since I wasn't disabled I had to come back.  Disabled?  I was never disabled.  I had cancer, I endured treatments for 8 months and thank God I survived.  THANK GOD! 
 
Relay for life:
Back in May,  I participated in the "Survivor Lap" of the Reston Relay for Life with my friends David and Dana.  I didn't know much about the relay for life but felt the need to be a part of it.  The relay is a part of the American Cancer society and it's an entire day/night function is to raise money for cancer.  There are a ton of locations but this one was held at a local high school.  People brought tents and camped out as members of their team walked around the track.  It was a very moving sight as well as a very emotional day for me.  I didn't expect it to be so emotional but people were so supportive and strangers would congratulate me for being a survivor.  Cody was chanting "no cancer" as he walked the survivor lap with me and Ken met us 1/2 way around the track to put a medal around my neck.  Tears were flowing down my face.   I'm so thankful for being alive.  I have so much to live for.    Two of my friends also walked the relay for life.  My friend Terri in Fredericksburg, Va and my friend Colleen in Washington state.  Yea to them and everyone who's fighting for the cure.

Mother's Day:
I hope all you mommies out there had a wonderful Mother's Day.  Cody gave me a hanging flower basket  and a card that said to my beautiful, gorgeous and stunning mother (both with Ken's help of course) .  He's still my biggest supporter and I still truly adore him.

Visit with Oncologist: 
It's tough to visit the oncologist.  Sitting in the waiting room waiting to be called back, I get to see all the men and women (mostly women) come and go.  It brings back sad memories.  And it's tough to see their faces with such a void across it.  It makes me think of how drugged I was when I left my chemo treatments.  Whoever went with me had to drive me home since I couldn't drive.  My appointment went well and she didn't feel anything so that made me very happy.  My 1st followup mammogram is scheduled for September 7th.   Please keep your fingers crossed that my mammo is cancer free. 

Blog:
I still write to my blog.  It has been good therapy for me.   I finally just downloaded a bunch of photos from my camera so I'll be posting them to my blog soon.   http://jenniferkile.blogspot.com

Cody and Ken:

Ken is doing well.  He's enjoying the summer and loves tinkering around the house.  He's done a few outdoor projects which includes yard work - pruning, mowing, installing lattice under our deck, and painted our fence.  He loves being outside but is already looking forward to the cooler weather that falls brings.  We've had a few record scorchers this summer and as you all know, I LOVE IT when it's HOT!!!

As for sweet little Cody.   He's had the time of his life visiting grandparents and friends, going to Knobel's amusement park,  hanging out at the pool, going to the water park and to the beach.   He recently had a few unfortunate incidents with his finger getting slammed in the car door and a meet and greet with nuts.  Which indeed proves he's still allergic.  Luckily neither were life threatening but enough to visit and call the doctor.  As a young energetic little one, he bounces back quickly and is enjoying life.  He participated in his preschool graduation but due to his age, he won't be going to kindergarten until next year.  Photos are in my blog and one is attached below.  Keep in mind, this photo was taken 2 months ago so my hair is a little longer now than it was in this photo. 

Jen (that's ME):
I've been spending the last few months trying to enjoy life and not let the word CANCER freak me out or bring me down.  It's hard at times but I think I'm doing pretty well at staying positive. I started a mini garden in flower pots on my patio.  I'm growing tomatoes, green peppers, radishes, basil, rosemary, dill, and one corn stalk.  The corn stalk was the weirdest thing. I didn't plant it but somehow got in my pot and it towers over me.  I actually have one corn cob growing.  I've enjoyed my mini garden and I've eaten about 12 radishes 4 green peppers and about 40 tomatoes so I guess I do have a green thumb.   I also have wide array of flowers on my deck.  Both the garden and the flowers were something I wasn't able to do last year and I'm thrilled about it this year. 

Well, I kind of gave you a quick run down on the last few months.  Last summer sucked but this summer is going GREAT!  Hope all of you are doing well and that you all are having the BEST SUMMER EVA! 

Thanks again for all your love and support.  It means so much to me.
XOXO Jen