Update #4, chemo #2

Let me tell you about cancer.....it SUCKS!  And chemo is not fun either but I have no choice.  I thought this was an easy week but the way my body reacted this time was different which thru me for a loop.
So, my second chemo session was last Monday, 8/22.  I was hesitant to go because I knew this week would be not a fun one.

But now that I'm a few days past it, it actually hasn't been that bad.  This treatment was different.  For one the doctor moved my appointment from the morning session to the afternoon session.  The doc said sometimes patients do better at different times of the day. I don't care when the appointment is as long as I don't have the nausea.  The 2nd difference on this appointment was instead of taking the nausea meds in pill form they gave them thru the IV.  Let me tell you as soon as those meds went in, I was out cold.  It was the weirdest feeling to be sitting there talking and all the sudden I could barely stay awake.  The doctor also decided to slow the IV drip down so my body could accept the meds more easier this time.   I'd say we were there from 12:30 - 4pm.

Tuesday, 8/23 was great!  I felt awesome.  I had a follow up appointment for a booster shot to bring up my white blood cells so I thought I should take Ken's mom (Eleanor) shopping.  She's been so gracious to help Ken and I out during my week of chemo and if I'm sitting at home sick, I want her to have the opprotunity to get out of the house a little bit.  So I took her to the Dulles Towne Center.  It's on the way to the Reston Hospital.  We went JCPenny and there were a ton of sales.  I was so excited because I wanted to get some cute accessorries for my wigs like hats, sunglasses, and big earrings.  You know, stuff that would perk any girl right up.  The funniest thing is while Eleanor and I were shopping like wild women apparently there was an earthquake.  We had absolutely no idea.  Ken called me on my cell freaking out.  We were completely unaware of anything.  We didn't see any items or shelves shaking.  We didn't see anyone in the store freaking out.  How did we possibly miss an earthquake? From what Ken said his building shook pretty good.  That's just crazy!  Anyway,  we made it  to Reston to get my booster shot.  For such a small needle, that shot really hurts.  I was ok the rest of the evening.  Just watching a lot of news and reading tons of stories from everyone on Facebook about their experience with the earthquake including a lot of evacuations.  Again, how did we miss this?  I guess it's the power of shopping.

Wednesday, 8/24 was so so.  I got up feeling a little sluggish but since I had a good day before I thought I might as well try going to work.  Not that I really wanted to go to work but I can't predict how the next few months will go so I'm trying to save up my sick leave.  As you all know, I've been with the government for over 21 years now and once upon a time ago I had over 800 hours of sick leave saved up for a rainy day, of course never thinking in a million years that I would get sick.  I used a ton of it when I had Cody and had to take him to all his medical appointments and now that I'm using it for my treatments, I'm down to 190 hours.  Amazing how fast leave can go when you use it.  Anyway, I was able to get a 6 hour day in but it was a slow one.  I've noticed that while I'm on the nausea medications that I'm definitely more tired than when I'm not on them.  I wasn't sure if I'd make it thru the day but after grabbing lunch with Jenn V, I felt a lot better.  Unforntunately when I got home I realized that I really did wear myself out so I ended up going to bed around 7pm and slept on and off the entire night.

Thursday, 8/25 was ok too.  I only worked 5 hours today.  I'm just trying to be somewhat productive.  I know it might sound crazy to go to work just 3 - 4 days after chemo but again, if I feel ok I want to save my leave for those days that I might not do so well.

Friday, 8/26 so far is ok.  I didn't take nausea meds last night.  The doctor is winging me off the pm schedule.  I took 3 pills this morning and that will be it for me today unless I need to take them tonight.  This is when I start to get excited because if my schedule follows my last chemo treatment this should be the beginning of my good week where I become the old Jen again.  The meds are great for the nausea but they make me loopy.  One minute I'm fine, then I'm dizzy, then I'm fine, and then I'm sleepy.  It's such a weird feeling to go thru all these phases in a day.

Saturday, 8/27 was good.  Today is the first day I do not have any meds in me what so ever so as I'm bracing for Hurricane Irene, I'm also learning how to make it thru the day.  My taste buds are off but I have an appetite.  I do still have to nap because I'm just so exhausted.  I've never been on meds before so I wonder if this is all normal?  It's just so weird to have no control over myself.  I'm so ready to get past this phase and get back on track.  My mind tends to wonder.  I wonder if I can make it thru 10 more chemo sessions.  Do I have the strength?  The energy?   I look at my family and and sometimes say...why me?  And then I look at them again and say yes.. I can do this.

Sunday, 8/28 NOT good.  Unfortunately, I think I'm going backwards.  The one big difference between my 1st chemo session and this one is the meds.  The 1st chemo session I was on meds for 3 days.  I didn't do good so they changed my schedule.  The 2nd chemo session I was on meds for 5 days.  I'm wondering if it's tougher to recover from 5 days of meds vs 3 days.  This has been a difficult journey, one that I'm learning as I go thru it.  What makes me sad if I was so looking forward to being the old Jen this week.  Only to find that she might not appear.  Today is somewhat rough as well.  At least I have the energy to send an e-mail out to give you all this update. 

Lots of love,
Jen 

P.S.  Gotta give a shout out to my girl Jill and her family for taking little Codyman off my hands Sunday afternoon.  They took him to the park and all he talked about was how much fun he had with them.  Thanks Jill.  :)

My Blonde wig

My new short blonde wig makes me feel so pretty.  I love it!

Update #3 Long story....sorry

Let me tell you about the power of girlfriends. It's AMAZING!  And these girls came to support me at my last minute impromtu pixie party aka buzz night party.

After a week of tossing and turning in bed constantly thinking about getting my hair completely buzzed off I just couldn't handle the situation.  I started to google the chemo drugs and I did indeed read that the drugs I was taking would make me loose my hair.  My brain was in a constant battle.  How could that happen to me?  I have a ton of hair.  It's so thick, can it really fall out?  Then as I read some forums women of all ages said how tramatic it was to loose their hair.   Again, could this really happen to me but, breast cancer was not on my radar at all.  So after talking to Ken about what the doctor said and how she urged me to buzz it I met with Ken's barber to discuss my situation with her.  She was so kind and wanted to make it easier on me by coming to our house to buzz it off on Sunday afternoon.

So now with a solid date in my brain it really became a reality.  I'm sure all of you know that time flys when you're having fun and thats exactly what happened to me.  The work week flew by (and that never happens), Friday and Saturday flew by, (way to much fun with Cody and Wendy) and then the dreaded Sunday which also flew by because we went to a birthday party for one of Cody's classmates and I ran to the store and bought some yummies for my party.

So let me just go back a day to Saturday.  Like I said above searching the web just make my journey so much more realistic.  Some people advise against it but others say surf a bit.  I surfed for things like chemo moms with young kids, chemo and breast cancer, etc.  Then I ran across a sight titled "CHEMO CHICKS" and that's where the lightbulb in my head went off.  I need my girls.  I can't cut my hair with only Ken and Cody.  Although I love them dearly what if I freak out and Cody freaks?  Ken would tend to him and who would tend to me?  Maybe that sounds selfish on my part but cancer is really tramatic to me and I needed support.  So on Saturday morning I wrote up an e-mail to all my local girlfriends telling them that I would love it if they can join me at my pixie party aka buzz party for support.  And let me tell you my support came and it was the best feeling a woman can have. 

On Saturday, I took Cody to Ms. Laura's house so he could play with her daughter Brianna.  They are pals from our old neighborhood in Kingstowne.  I met up with my sister Wendy so we could go shopping for wigs and some speciality scarves.  The wig shop was not far from my old house, if fact, I must have driven past it 100 times never even noticing it.  It was a nice shop, and the lady who assisted me was awesome.   I tried on several scarves and wigs and finally narrowed it down.  At first I wasn't going to get a wig.  I got a great long hair DIVA wig from the American Cancer Society last Thursday with my co-worker Stephanie.  She was so supportive as I hesitated to go there.  Still in denial last week about loosing my hair.  The selection was not good.  These wigs were free to cancer patients so they were a little dated.  But Stephanie found the DIVA wig that was kind of in the back.  We put it on my head it it looked like the old Jen sitting in front of the mirror.  I felt so good inside that I knew this wig was the one for me.

Back to Saturday.  With Wendy I was specifically focusing on the scarves which I ended up with 2.  One a turquoise blue (so out of my comfort zone) and the other brownish/maroon (right up my alley) with a little sparkle bling on it.  Then I showed the owner my DIVA wig and they said that I got a very nice and expensive wig.  So that made me happy.  I put it on and she combed it, styled it and said wigs can be cut to accentuate you face better.  So I'm sure in a few weeks I'll have it trimmed up a bit to fit me a little more.  As I was sitting there I realized that Codys little classmates and other teachers in his school unknown to my cancer would find it a bit odd going from my short haircut to my diva wig.  So I decided that since it's still summer, I should probably get a shorter wig.  And that's what I did.   I have a short blonde wig now (ya, if it's fake you might as well go blonde)  ha-ha! and I'll transition into the brunette wig for the fall/winter because you know in VA winter is right around the corner.  So I felt really good leaving the wig shop.  Of course once you get home and re-try the wigs back on you have to figure out exactly how that wig was placed on your head by the wig owner and restyle it since sometimes they don't transport to well.  Of course I didn't look as good when I got home but don't all ladies  feel that way after going to a salon too?

So let me get back to the reason why I wrote this update:  Ahhhh yes, the power of girlfriends.  It was completely amazing.  The door bell rang and it rang and it rang.  Cody had so much fun opening the door to all the ladies walking through and in Cody's style... greeting them with a very positive compliment.  I had a chair set up for where Vicki was going to do the buzz and I had a small table nearby with my 2 wigs.

I got to chit chat for a bit.  I was hoping not to miss out on speaking with everyone.  I was also trying to get photos of me and my friends as well as some candid shots.  The time went by so quick and the door bell rang one last time.  It was VICKI!  My heart started beating.  I clung to my wall.  The stress started to rise.  Why am I doing this?  Its better to cut it than to see 4-5 inch stands or clumps randomly falling out right?  She set up her area and we chatted.  I agreed to go with the #2 clipper.  #1 was just to short for me.  I sat down putting my head down as the tears rolled out of my eyes.  Someone handed me some tissues, someone was hugging me.  Ken was holding Cody as Cody started getting emotional.  Everyone was telling him it was ok and mommy was getting a new beautiful haircut.  Cody and I calmed down as Vicki started buzzing my head.  Of course I've never buzzed my head so it felt weird.  I could see tons of hair falling onto my lap and onto the floor.  All the fake blonde went first and then all this black stuff?  What the heck is that?  Oh ya, that would be my natural hair color.  The color I don't like at all and haven't really seen in years.  Yikes, I really am a dark brunette.  I would say it was over pretty quick.  All my girls were so positive thru my cut.  Saying how pretty my eyes were and how my facial features just popped.  That did help the process.  :)  I looked in the mirror and it just wasn't me.  But it is now.  Everyone gave me hugs and the support was so real.  But it didn't take me long to throw on my wigs and model them.  :)  I can't help it.  I love hair and I had to walk the runway to laugh about the whole thing.  I made cupcakes and Breanna helped me put the breast cancer symbol on them.  Courtney brought champagne to celebrate and a great toast we made.

The best thing I ever did was to e-mail all my girlfriends for this last minute impromptu party.  My girls didn't think twice and even though I moved...they still came and that meant the world to me.  So.... Barb, Rebecca, Terri, Breanna, Jessica, Jill, Tricia, Jenn S, Deann, Courtney, Stacy, Katja, Jen J, Nichole, Vicki, and Wendy.  LOVE you GIRLS!!!  and Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

XOXO Jen

P.S. And a big thanks to Dana and David for stopping by after the party after driving all day long from their vacation.
 

Me and my little sweetie

Such and awesome little boy!

Update # 2

Hello everyone,

Thanks again for all your kind words and support.  The last few days have been an adventurous one.  The one thing I have learned so far is just when you think things are good, bad is just right around the corner.  Today is the 1 week mark from receiving my 1st chemo treatment and it has been a roller coaster ride.

Today I had my follow up appointment with my doc.  She needed to physically check me out as well as run blood work and talk to me about the meds and my next chemo appointment. Overall I had a good morning.  I think one of the toughest things about today's appointment was when I actually got in the elevator.  My appt is in a medical building which includes a children's center.   As I got in the elevator, a family joined me wheeling their special needs daughter onto the elevator.  She was laughing and giggling with such delight as if she didn't have any idea where she was going.  My heart broke and the tears flooded my eyes.  My cancer is hopefully curable but this child will be like this forever.  How can something so innocent and young be so ill but yet her spirit soared so high inside her.  At that moment, I felt silly that I felt so sorry for myself but yet felt so inspired by he positiveness.  

The appointment went well.  The doc checked me over and said everything looked good.  We discussed my next chemo treatment and she decided to move me to an afternoon session to see how my body reacts to the treatment.  The doctor wants to make it as nausea free as possible and I must admit, I do too.

I'm hoping this week will be on the up and up.  I plan to go back to work tomorrow and of course bring lots of munchies, water as well as sporting my new do.  This past Friday I cut 8 inches  off my hair and donated it to locks for love.  It was an emotional process but also liberating as well since most of you know I've had my long hair forever.  There is no way I would have cut my hair this short otherwise but I really had no choice.  I'll be cutting shorter later this week which I do believe will be the toughest cut and i did manage to purchase a wig in preparation of what is to come.

Cody is having a tough time with my shorter haircut and I worry how he will react to the wig.  He knows that mommy is sick and that doctor is working to get her better but how do I prepare him with all the changes in my appearance?  I'm looking into some cancer support groups and hopefully will find for moms with young kids. 

Again, I want to thank everyone for the support, encouragement, the meals and e-mails.  I'm hanging in there and although I don't want to wish the year away, I'm anxious to get this all over with and get the old Jen back.

Love ya,
Jen

3 hour nap

What a wonderful day.  My friend Rebecca took Cody to the Montgomery County Fair.  She picked him up at noon and let me tell you, I got the best 3 hour nap today.  It’s strange how quickly I can get exhausted but yet, I really don’t get a full nights rest.  I wake up constantly to use the restroom.  So when Rebecca took Cody I looked at Ken and said, I’m going to take a nap.  I really didn’t expect to be asleep for 3 hours.  But it did feel good.  Once I got up, I grabbed an ice cream drumstick from the freezer.  It was so good.  I just chowed down.  Rebecca texted around 4pm to let me know they were leaving.  I was actually looking forward to seeing my little man.  He’s so active and I so love that about him but right now it’s tough.  He of course fell asleep during the car ride home.  Once home, she told me all about his adventures.  I should have warned her about the tractors.  He just loves to go from tractor to tractor.  After she left, I took Cody outside to play with the neighbor kids.  I must admit I’m so lucky to have such great neighbors.

Thank you Rebecca for spending the day with Cody and giving me time to sleep.  I really needed that.

Update # 1, Chemo # 1

Hello everyone,

Thanks to everyone who has sent me private messages.  Each e-mail has been very helpful and encouraging.  I will respond to them individually when I get a little more strength.

Update:
As you know, my 1st chemo session was on Monday, August 8th.  I couldn't help crying as I walked up through the office door and up to the window to sign in. The unknown was so unbearable.  They sat with me to tell me exactly what was going to happen and how the meds would be given.  Luckily my 4-5 hour visit only lasted 3 hours.  So that made me happy.  Both Ken and his mom were at my 1st session for support and to watch how I was reacting to the meds.  The mediport that was placed under my skin on Friday was still very tender so it hurt as she cleaned the area and inserted the needle.

After the 3 hours I was free to go.  Starving we went out and grabbed lunch.  There are a few restrictions on what I can eat but overall I can eat what I want.  But I am eating on the healthier side with more fruits and veggies.  Once I got home that's when the drama began.  The nausea hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was so out of it and feeling horrible.  It was such a 180 from when I left the doctors office to just a few hours later.  I took some nausea pills but it just didn't help. 

Tuesday, August 9th - A wonderful day.  Woke up a little off but once I got the meds in me for the day, it seemed like I had gotten over the tough part and maybe just maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.  Boy was I wrong. 

Tuesday I'll call my fantasy day.  It was nice.  I spent quality time playing with Cody and hanging out with my new neighbors.  Not sure if most of you know this but Ken and I just bought a single family home about 35 miles west of our old house.  We love our new home and had such excitement to decorate it but the cancer took us in a different direction for now.  Anyway, our new neighbors all have little boys that range from 2 years to 6 years and they all have names that start with the letter "C" which I found so hilarious.  It's Cody, Chase, Cole, Camden, Caleb, and Carson.  They all play very well together so that has helped me seeing Cody happy.  Each neighbor has offered to babysit Cody so that has taken a huge burden off my shoulders. 

Anyway, today (Wednesday) was bad.  I woke up thinking maybe I'd have another good day but as soon as I got out of bed I couldn't grab food and the meds fast enough. The nausea was horrible.  I couldn't drive, I could barely stand.  I had chills one min and weakness the next.  I just couldn't believe how good I was yesterday and how bad I was today.  I managed to call the doctor and she told me to take one more pill and that seemed to do the trick.  By noon I was up and able to eat.  But by 2 I was out cold due to pure exhaustion.  By 5pm I was able to ride in the car (ken's mom driving) to pick up darling Cody.  He was so happy to see me and I was able to give him a big hug.  I actually ate a good amount of dinner and now I have a few moments strength to sit at my computer and write to you all.  Guess this really didn't turn out to be a quick note after all.

Thanks again for all your kind words and support.  One chemo session down means one day closer to me beating this. 
love you all,
Jen

Surgery

Oh my, today I had to go to the hospital for my mediport placement.  Let me tell you for a quick out patient surgery it was very difficult.  It's only been 4 weeks since I found my lump and here I am at the hospital being wheeled down the hallway toward the surgery room.  Tears were flowing down my cheeks as I watched the lights in the ceiling wiz by.  I'm getting a mediport and I really don't even know what it is.  I mean I do know but I'm so confused.  Why is all of this happening?  Dr. Wilkinson said that the mediport is where the nurses put the needle in for my chemo treatments.  And that the port is better than using my veins for the next 16 weeks.  The thought of getting a mediport makes me ill.  But the thought of getting chemo upsets me.  But then again, chemo is suppose to cure me, take the cancer away so why wouldn't I be pro chemo?  I guess I'm afraid of the unknown.

So once I got in the room.  They had me count down from 10 to zero.  I never got pass 8.  Before I knew it I woke up in recovery.  My upper right side was sore and I was starving.  Ken came in and I felt so much better to have him there with me.  All I wanted to do was go home.  Monday will be here soon enough.

Chemo class

Ken and I went to my Chemo class at 4pm today.  It wasn't anything major.  Just a nurse that went over all the things I need to expect in the next 16 weeks, explaining the 3 drugs I was going to get as well as the drugs I would be taking to control the nausea.  She went over my procedure of getting the mediport which I was all fine and dandy with until she showed me what a mediport looks like.  I didn't need to see that.  Again, ignorance is bliss.  I mean, I want to know what's going to happen to me but I don't know in what detail I want to know.  Everything is so scary.  I'm afraid if I know details, I'll freak out.  So she gave me my prescriptions and gave me my appointment for Monday to start chemo.  I still can't believe this is happening. 

CT Scan, ECHO and Bone Scan

8:15 am - CT Scan
9:40 am - ECHO
10:45 am  - Bone Scan

Went to these appointments by myself.  I really didn't think it would be a big deal plus I wanted Ken to save some of his leave since I he's taking off a few days later this week and next week.  But these tests were a bit scary.  The whole process has been scary.  I don't know what these tests do, what they show, and how they do them.  I just show up, undress and get placed in these machines.  I cried during all of them but the one that made me the most nervous was the ECHO.  The technician was really nice and that helped me through the process but seeing my heart on a screen and watching it pump made me so nervous.  I was hoping that my heart was healthy and that it was in proper working order.

Appointment with the Oncologist

Ken and I finally met with the Oncologist, Dr. Wilkinson.  She took all my films and reviewed them.  I was so nervous and crying.  What is she going to tell me?  What is she going to recommend?  Turns out I have a slightly aggressive cancer and she is starting me with chemotherapy 1st instead of going straight to surgery.  It just doesn't seem right?  Everyone I've talked to who has had friends with cancer all usually had surgery 1st.  Why am I having chemo 1st?  I understand that mine is slightly aggressive and the doctor is recommending that we attack it with chemo to make sure we kill it but I'm so confused.  Again, Ken was asking a bunch of questions and again, I was a crying mess.  This is just so much information to process.  I'm so overloaded and so tired.

This week is going to be tough.  I have more tests to take, a chemo class to learn about what's going to happen to me and surgery on Friday for a mediport to be placed in me.   I just don't understand all this stuff but I'm sure I will soon enough.